Beaten with a bag of nickels

I have Fibromyalgia.

It is a very painful condition that affects my entire body.

I first learned of this condition about 11 years ago from a friend of mine who has this same disease. She described the pain as if she had been "beaten with a bag of nickels." I wasn't able to comprehend the idea of her pain but the thought of being beaten with a bag of nickels did sound painful.

One night, when Miss May was a little over a year old, I came home from the gym after a good workout. I laid down on the couch because my legs were hurting. I chalked it up to my workout and maybe I just didn't stretch good enough. Two weeks later the pain hadn't gone away. It took over a year for the doctor to come to any conclusion: it was possibly Fibromyalgia or Sympathetic Neuromuscular Dystrophy. Because of insurance reasons, I was never able to rule out the MS but as the years have gone by all signs are pointing to Fibromyalgia.

I have lived with this disease for many years now and I have been blessed that I have been able to manage the pain. Through diet and exercise I have been able to keep going. I recently started to train for a half marathon in June of next year.

This last week has been hard. Harder than what it has been in a very long time. It really does feel like I have been beaten with a bag of nickels. I have been dealing with spasms in my neck and back. They way the muscles all connect I have pain in my chest muscles, making it hard to breath. Every sneeze, every cough, every deep breath brings a great deal of pain. The pain has been unbearable and for the first time in a long time, I cried. I haven't been able to manage any of the pain and have missed a lot of work.

I am grateful for this pain, though. As a dear friend once told me: "The pain reminds me that I am still alive."  Through all of this pain this week, I've found that I love my husband the most when I hurt the worst. I appreciate my children more and have been able to see them differently. I have been more patient with them. I have learned a great deal this week from the pain that I have been in. I have seen things I normally wouldn't have given a second thought to.

I feel like I have been beaten with a bag of nickels only to remind me that I am still alive.

Smooth Sunday Sounds

I have recently become a huge fan of Imagine Dragons. Not just because they are LDS (and I am too!) but I love their lyrics and music. While "researching" (okay, I was stalking!) this incredible band, I came across this beautiful song. My favorite line from the song: "You gotta get up... Reach, it's not as bad as it seems".


So here it is:

 Imagine Dragons  "The River"

this is my apology

WARNING!

 This post involves the nudity of my soul. Reader Discretion is advised!

To all of my imaginary readers (because no one reads this blogs so I pretend people do!),

Let me start by saying, always wear sunscreen.

I am the Queen of Deflection and if you graduated in 1999, you will understand my entry quote.

In  my last post, I miiiiighht have made some harsh statements.

Which ones? you might ask.

Oh, you know the ones!... What! Seriously! You are gonna make me write this out loud!?!?!?!?

*SIGH*

Okay.... and I quote: "Blogging is the "Look at How Much Better WE are than YOU" Christmas letter... all year round. Blah Blah Blah."

The Blah Blah Blah wasn't there but you get the point. I blog because it's an out and I enjoy it. I have my family blog that is the "Christmas Letter" all year round. I blog to brag too.

So if you are offended, I apologize.

The truth of my confession is in one little statement I made: "... just like everyone else."

I wrote something, that I love and have a desire to fulfill my dream of becoming a published author. Honestly, I want to be unique just like everyone else. I brag of my awesomeness hoping one day it will be real. (I am feeling super naked right about now.)

I am 5 foot 2 inches (the shortest in my family), have blond hair (but I haven't seen that color in years!) and blue eyes. I was a B average student in school. I married my Hotstuff when I was 19 and have two kids (with no plans of having anymore). I work full time. According to the BMI, I am overweight by about 30 pounds. Which, no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of it- thank you genetics! I can cook but I seriously can't bake! I come from a long line of women who can paint, draw, crochet and are pure perfection at anything related to the joys of Womanhood and Motherhood. They are the perfect homemakers. I can't crochet to save my life and that is not for the lack of trying. I can't draw and I can't paint. I am really lucky that my house is somewhat clean and I can whip up something quick and easy for dinner. That is if I have the energy after working. I am the Black Sheep of the women in my family. I have a brother with a Bachelors degree in Japanese and a sister with a Bachelors degree in English. I didn't finish my associates and I blame Math.

I have a very hard time finding anything special about myself except my writing. That has always been my one secret thing that I remind myself that that is mine and that what sets me apart from everyone else. Then my heart breaks to hear that "Oh, So and So has written three books!" or  "Oh, that author lives in my neighborhood and is best friends with my sister!" or "Oh, Imma writer too!". That is the sort of thing that takes the specialness out of me because I am just like everyone else or I am not as good as everyone else.

I know, the irony of my statements! Oi Vey! Do I or don't I want to be just like everyone else??

Let me explain that with 4 thoughts:

   1. I get that there are SIX BILLION people in the world and a lot of us are going to be similar. I don't want to be identified as a number (ie. my SSN, my employee number, my membership number, etc.) and become lost in the mix. I want people to know that I am more than just a number, I am Honey.
   2. I understand that I am not the only writer in the world and I will face competition that can only make me stronger if I choose.
   3. I want someone to get excited about me. I want them to be excited about me and my writings. When I see them talk about someone else's writing or even their writings, I want them to be that excited about mine. I don't share with many about my writings because I fear that pat on the head of "oh, how nice for you dear," while they go on about someone else.
   4. In a size 1 fits all world, I am a size 3.... but I really want to be a size one. It would make buying jeans easier.

So I hope you understand me just a little bit more and are not so offended. Because your blog really is awesome.  But trust me on the sunscreen.

this is my confession

so here goes....

I write a blog that literally, nobody reads.  (but that's not my confession)

I know it's nothing personal.

( Maybe it is???   I did shower today...   I put on deodorant...    My clothes are clean...   My perfume smells nice...    I'm looking pretty foxy today....  Maybe I just haven't advertised enough??? )

Well, maybe it is personal that nobody reads my blog. I get it! I am not the best blogger in the universe but I am getting the feeling that just like My Space (y'all remember that don't you?), Blogging will the thing we once did because it made us look awesome. (It's my testimony that Facebook will soon follow).

With all of our awesome layouts and witty post, we could create and look like a bad-ass. Forget being great at sports or learning to a new talent, instead it's "Have you read my Blog lately? I just put up a new post."  Plus, we could prove to everyone else that our kids were most definitely awesomer (and yes that is a real word) than anybody elses kids. Blogging is the "Look at How Much Better WE are than YOU" Christmas letter... all year round. There are blogs with "Guest Post" because that blog is just too amazing for the author to write their own post all of the time. And there are SAHM (stay at home Mom's- which I am not one of) who blog about there lives and get paid for it. Many blogs out there for "deep thinkers" and the ever awesome "HomeMakers!" (you know! those blogs that have crafts, food, homemade clothes and hairstyles for your little girl. The blogs you get sent to from Pintrest.) But not me, I am just Honey, a girl with a blog that nobody reads.

Now I'm stalling....

I have a confession.... (DEEP BREATH) here goes:

I wrote a book.

WOW! That feels so much better!!!

I wrote a book... but then so has everyone else.

As a child, I could never really decided on what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was more concerned about making it to adulthood than anything else. So what did I want to be when I grew up and made it to adulthood? At one point, I wanted to be a doctor but then I realized what I had to tell my doctor and I didn't necessarily want to hear that coming from someone else mouth. I thought "I'll be a Nurse!" but then I didn't want to see whatever they had just told there doctor, coming from their mouth. I wanted to be an astronaut for a really long time but then Math and I are like the BP oil spill off of the Gulf Coast a few years back.... we will never mix, we must stay away from each other because we don't belong together and the effects that result from it, can destroy ecosystems. That is how bad I am at Math (it's the one class that has kept me from getting my Associates Degree, I just can't pass the Math Class).

So back to this book thing... out of everything I have ever wanted to be, I have always wanted to be a writer. I have been reading since I was 3 and I read an average of 30 books a year. However, this year I am not doing too good with my reading.  Sorry, I am sidetracking. So I love to read and I love to write. I have a few short stories saved on my computer and I have always had positive feedback from friends and family who have read them. But then, they are my family and they are the ones who tell me: "No, those spandex pants not make your thighs look huge!!! You're not FAT, you're just extra curvy!"

I started blogging, what little I did of it, a few years ago all before I was sucked into Facebook. I found that I could keep in touch with my friends and family a whole lot easier (and more privately)through Facebook and my blog got put to the wayside.  (I totally just checked my Facebook page just now! haha!) I started to blog for various reasons. Most especially because I like writing and blogging is a great out. But then I don't think I have enough fingers and toes to count on to show how many blogs out there are so much better, wittier and awesomer than mine.  I am just Honey, a girl with a blog.

(PS I am the Master of DEFLECTION. If you look it up in the dictionary it will show a picture of me! and if you still don't believe me, just ask Hotstuff.)

So I wrote a book and it scares me too death that I have.  This, writing, has been my passion since I was a young girl. I have always wanted to write and be a famous author. I knew that I could never and will never write the "Great American Novel" because it has already been done a hundred times. No, I just want to write non-fiction stories. I want to write something that readers won't be able to put down. I want them to devour my words. I want to write something they can see in their minds and live. I want to entertain. I don't necessarily have some "meaning of life/artsy" message in my writings, I just want to write what I feel.

Last year, between a full time job and a double full time life, I was able to write my first novel. It took almost 10 months but I did it. And I have had so much fun with it. I have loved loved loved writing! Now comes the best part ever... (drum roll please)... EDITING!!! (Insert happy dance here!)

So why am I scared?

Just like my blog, there is someone else's blog that is so much better and everyone has one. Amazon has made it easy. You write a story, have an Amazon Account, press upload and Voila! You are hear by a writer. Congratulations! Fitzgerald, Rowling, Bronte, Austin, Larsson, King and Many Many Many others wait with open arms for you to join their ranks.

Let me tell you, I have read some real CRAP from people who publish off of Amazon. I mean, I wouldn't even feed it too anyone who was dying of starvation because that is how horrible and frustratingly stupid some of that stuff is. Seriously, I want the time I spent reading that stuff and my money back. I have had to stop reading some novels because it was pure $#!T. NO editor needed. Just write, spell check and upload.

I really don't want anyone to think that of what I have written. I really don't want to be one of those writers that have my book show up in the "More Items to Consider" category on Amazon is because the customer viewed a hundred different brands of toilet paper. I am scared because, this is what I want and I am not sure of how to complete this. I don't have the time or money to go out and get an agent. Like I wrote earlier: I have written a book... but then so has everyone else. I am scared to death to once again, stand in someone else's shadow.

So I have made my confession on a blog that nobody reads. I've made my confession here, because I know that it's safe. No one is going to read this and that's okay.

I have written a book and I am just Honey, a girl with a blog.

Is that a letter in your bag for me?

   It's been almost a year since I have written anything on my blog. I started this second blog as a personal outlet. I have my family blog and since I enjoyed writing and some of the things that I write aren't too family blog friendly, I started a second blog.

   So now have a confession to make:

I am such a HYPOCRITE!!!

   For my birthday, Hotstuff sent out invites to everyone that we knew to come for my party. He invited over a hundred people (that live in the state) and instead of 75ish people that we were expecting about 25 showed up (we have been living off of left overs for the last week!). He also sent out a message inviting everyone to send me a message about the things that they love about me. Once again, he got a very small response. Hotstuff was dissapointed. He really wanted to fill every page of the book that he had bought me with notes from people.

(Me reading one of the notes from friends on my birthday)

   Later that night, he and I talked. He felt bad that more people didn't send me a note. I wasn't worried and I wasn't offended because I know that I am loved and I know that I mean something to my friends and family. Just because I didn't get a note from someone doesn't mean that they don't love me. It just means that I have loved ones who took the time to tell me that they love me.

   We now live in a world where writing has become a lost art. Instead of letters and cards, we send a message on facebook or send a text. Less and less do we actually, really, truly take the time to send a hand written note, just because. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's just easier to just send a quick message through technology. But when was the last time you held a real piece of paper in your hands from someone who loves you? When was the last time you let someone know that you love them?

   We use our technology to do the talking for us and sooner (rather than later) we will become a distant society. Never communicating with each other. Never expressing our love for one another with sincerity. Our relationships will not be as strong and the bases for them will be on what our technology will do for us.

   So why am I a hyprocrite??

   Because it has been almost a years since I have blogged and I am not the most perfect person at sending out notes and cards to those I love. Because I believe what I have written is the truth and I don't take as much time as I should to show others my love for them more personally.  I use facebook and text to send messages, probably more than I should.

   Our relationships help us define our lives and who we are. My idea is not to scold or give a guilt trip. My idea is to inspire and remind that our words on paper still mean something.

My Grief Observed

I just celebrated my 29th birthday this year and I am beginning to feel like I know more about death... I mean losing a loved one than I should.
Just recently my dearest friend and kindred sister, LJ of whom I have know for 9 years BC (before children) just recently lost her husband to a tragic accident. AR was an incredible man, a great father, a hard worker and a prankster. He was at work, pulling weeds off the side of the road (and far enough off of the side of the road to be out of danger) when a woman hit him. She was doing close to 70 miles an hour when she hit him, killing him instantly. She then proceeded to drag his body 30 FEET before finally stopping (she refused a breathalyzer at the scene, was never arrested and has now fled the state!). AR was killed 10 days before his 32nd birthday. AR left behind his three kids E (7), S(3) and V(14 months). My dear friend is a widow at 28 and has severe MS.
Almost 8 years ago, I lost my mother. Hotstuff and I had only been married about a year and a half and I was 27 weeks pregnant with Miss May. My mother was 46 years old and just did not wake up one morning. That same week, my biological father put me in the hospital from assaulting both my sister and I- I ultimately missed my mother's viewing. My biological father was extremely abusive and that night in the hospital, I cut ties with him. In a matter of days I felt like I had become an orphan.
I have lost a lot of wonderful people in my life and every time have been able to lean on my faith in every instance of having lost a dear, cherished friend and loved one. Always.
At AR's viewing, I think I had all ready come to terms with his passing. I was able to lean on my faith again to help me and LJ through the weekend. I was able to hold it together to be a strength to my friend, until E ran outside and came back with some dandelions that she had picked. She then gently placed them in her daddy's hands and kissed him.

That is when I lost it.

After a few minutes, I was able to compose myself and make it through the rest of the viewing. When the viewing had ended, I took one of AR's brothers aside to talk to him about something and I broke down again.

I was okay that AR had passed away but what I really wanted, more than anything....

I wanted my friend to stop hurting. I didn't want her to hurt anymore.

After my mother passed away, Hotstuff handed me a book. It is called "A Grief Observed" by CS Lewis. It is Lewis's journal that he kept after his wife died. It is amazing and it is something I recommend to anyone who has lost someone they love. In the same spirit of CS Lewis, here is my "Grief Observed"

1. Death hurts and it hurts like hell. That pain never goes away but after a while it doesn't hurt as bad.

2. We will never get over our loss but we do get through them.

3. There is a cycle to grief: In the beginning you have bad days and good moments.... you slowly move to bad days, a good day, bad days.... then your good days will start to out weigh the bad days...then you will have good days and bad moments... finally you will have good months and a bad day/moment will show up.

4. You never quit missing them. Though my mother has been gone for almost 8 years, I have days where I just want to sit down and cry because I miss her... and all of that is normal.

5. Life goes on with or without you... and them. Keep going on with your life. Get up every morning, take a shower and do something productive. Keep moving! Keep going! Keep progressing! Yes, you will still hurt but that is okay. It is no gaurantee that you will immediatly feel "cured" but you will start to heal.

6. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Grief counseling is an incredible tool to help.

7. Traditions are incredible healing tool! Every year on the anniversary of my mothers passing, I take a mental health day. On this day, I take the day off. I have no kids, no husband, no nothing! I go and get my hair done, I go shopping, I go and have dinner with my aunt. I take the day to play! I spend the day doing what my mother would have wanted me to do. I celebrate my mother in my own special way. I suggested to LJ to make a tradition where she and the kids come to AR's grave on his birthday and have a picnic. That way they can talk about him and tell all the fun stories that AR had.

8. The first are always the hardest. The first holidays and celebrations are the hardest. They get easier but sometimes, 8 years later I still have a harder time with some holidays than the year before.

9. Just because the one you loved is gone doesn't mean that you deserve to be unhappy. You deserve every happiness in the world. Laugh and remember the good.

10. Lean on your faith, turn to your God. Even when it feels like it has failed you, it really hasn't. Even when you feel like God hates you... he really doesn't.

This is My Grief Observed.

Thoughts from the Pot

My mother taught me to share but there are certain things in life that one shouldn't share.

Like the flu... or and an STD.