this is my apology

WARNING!

 This post involves the nudity of my soul. Reader Discretion is advised!

To all of my imaginary readers (because no one reads this blogs so I pretend people do!),

Let me start by saying, always wear sunscreen.

I am the Queen of Deflection and if you graduated in 1999, you will understand my entry quote.

In  my last post, I miiiiighht have made some harsh statements.

Which ones? you might ask.

Oh, you know the ones!... What! Seriously! You are gonna make me write this out loud!?!?!?!?

*SIGH*

Okay.... and I quote: "Blogging is the "Look at How Much Better WE are than YOU" Christmas letter... all year round. Blah Blah Blah."

The Blah Blah Blah wasn't there but you get the point. I blog because it's an out and I enjoy it. I have my family blog that is the "Christmas Letter" all year round. I blog to brag too.

So if you are offended, I apologize.

The truth of my confession is in one little statement I made: "... just like everyone else."

I wrote something, that I love and have a desire to fulfill my dream of becoming a published author. Honestly, I want to be unique just like everyone else. I brag of my awesomeness hoping one day it will be real. (I am feeling super naked right about now.)

I am 5 foot 2 inches (the shortest in my family), have blond hair (but I haven't seen that color in years!) and blue eyes. I was a B average student in school. I married my Hotstuff when I was 19 and have two kids (with no plans of having anymore). I work full time. According to the BMI, I am overweight by about 30 pounds. Which, no matter how hard I try, I can't get rid of it- thank you genetics! I can cook but I seriously can't bake! I come from a long line of women who can paint, draw, crochet and are pure perfection at anything related to the joys of Womanhood and Motherhood. They are the perfect homemakers. I can't crochet to save my life and that is not for the lack of trying. I can't draw and I can't paint. I am really lucky that my house is somewhat clean and I can whip up something quick and easy for dinner. That is if I have the energy after working. I am the Black Sheep of the women in my family. I have a brother with a Bachelors degree in Japanese and a sister with a Bachelors degree in English. I didn't finish my associates and I blame Math.

I have a very hard time finding anything special about myself except my writing. That has always been my one secret thing that I remind myself that that is mine and that what sets me apart from everyone else. Then my heart breaks to hear that "Oh, So and So has written three books!" or  "Oh, that author lives in my neighborhood and is best friends with my sister!" or "Oh, Imma writer too!". That is the sort of thing that takes the specialness out of me because I am just like everyone else or I am not as good as everyone else.

I know, the irony of my statements! Oi Vey! Do I or don't I want to be just like everyone else??

Let me explain that with 4 thoughts:

   1. I get that there are SIX BILLION people in the world and a lot of us are going to be similar. I don't want to be identified as a number (ie. my SSN, my employee number, my membership number, etc.) and become lost in the mix. I want people to know that I am more than just a number, I am Honey.
   2. I understand that I am not the only writer in the world and I will face competition that can only make me stronger if I choose.
   3. I want someone to get excited about me. I want them to be excited about me and my writings. When I see them talk about someone else's writing or even their writings, I want them to be that excited about mine. I don't share with many about my writings because I fear that pat on the head of "oh, how nice for you dear," while they go on about someone else.
   4. In a size 1 fits all world, I am a size 3.... but I really want to be a size one. It would make buying jeans easier.

So I hope you understand me just a little bit more and are not so offended. Because your blog really is awesome.  But trust me on the sunscreen.