I have two children and the oldest is a beautiful girl; Miss May.
Just recently, the topic of modesty has become a huge discussion in our home. Miss May is 10 years old and is growing up. I have two years left of a little girl before I get a teenager and that teenager will be greeting this world in full force.
Confession: I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager.
I hated my body... I kinda still do. I was poor and most of what I wore was very outdated and not flattering. Imagine Harry Potter receiving his cousins Dudley's over sized, old and tattered clothes... I was the female version of that. At a time of my life that I should have been able to blossom, I wasn't allowed to. Both of my parents were very heavy and at some point in their lives, have topped the scales at (or close to) 300 pounds and I inherited the predisposition to being over weight. I didn't and still don't have that flat tummy, every woman is "supposed" to have. I carry my weight in my belly, hips, butt and thighs. Always have and always will. I grew up in a very abusive home where my life was completely dictated by my mother with a very strong religious influence. She was so controlling that I had no choice in anything I wore; including my underwear.
Did I rebel?
Hell yes, I DID!!!
Like I said, at a time in my life when I should have been able to blossom, I wasn't allowed to. I also did not have a body like the other girls. I so desperately wanted to be skinny that I didn't eat.
So what does my eating disorder have to do with modesty?? A lot.
Growing up, I was taught that certain articles of clothing were immodest: tank tops and shorts that did not go to or past my knees. Two piece swimming suits were a huge no-no and most of the time I had to wear a t-shirt over my one piece swimming suit in public. Push up/lacy, under wire... basically any bra that wasn't white and plain and underwear that were not granny panties were something that only a prostitute wore. Essentially, anything that exposed my skin with the exception of my lower legs, anything from the neck up and from the elbows down was immodest and sinful.
I was told that you were a whore if you wore a thong... and that was something that came from church leaders. To be fair, my mother used the word "whore" and my church leaders simply implied that.
The point I am trying to make is that I have never felt comfortable in my own skin and being able to express myself through my clothing was forbidden. High school is not an educational experience but a social experience and if you can't fit the social norm: Welcome To HELL!
My best friend Bullfrog and I have know each other since we were 12 years old. She was raised a baptist and over the 5 years of school we shared together, I saw her in pants twice. She was not allowed to wear pants; only dresses and the length had to come below her knees.
So what the big deal about what we wore?? Two words: WALKING PORN.
What we were taught was, we were and still are walking porn to all men. And we as women are responsible for how they think, feel and act. We are sinful, horrible, ugly and men are not responsible for their lustful thoughts or their actions. If we wore something immodest and a man has an improper thought about us, that is not the mans fault. They get a free pass from sin while we as women are condemned as whores for showing our ankles.
Just recently, the was a devotional given at BYU- Idaho by Elder Tad R. Callister of the presidency of the Seventy from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. His devotional is about modesty and it is a good devotional with great thoughts ( https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/03/the-lords-standard-of-morality?lang=eng ). But.... this is what upset me:
"Women particularly can dress modestly and in the process contribute to their own self-respect and to the moral purity of men. In the end, most women get the type of man they dress for."
My personal translation to that: if you get raped, it was because of what you wore and it is your fault. If your husband ends up being a jerk, it's probably because you wore thongs and lacy push up bras. A young mans "moral purity" is your, the woman's, responsibility and not his.
If that is true, then please explain something to me. Many Muslim woman wear something call a Burka. This article of clothing covers the entire body of a woman; very little skin is shown, if any at all.
So according to the statement of: "women get the type of man they dress for" and if this woman (who is completely covered) is raped, is that her fault??
This mentality doesn't change or stop just because a girl has become a woman. This mentality is carried for all woman of all ages. Young, old, married or unmarried. This is for all woman of all ages and situations.
In prepping for my soap box post and yes I am standing on my soap box, I came across this great website: http://www.beautyredefined.net/ and a blog post about modesty.
When we judge girls and women for the skin they are or are not showing, we are minimizing them to their bodies and repeating the same lies that females are only bodies in need of judgment and fixing. We are even perpetuating the shame-inducing belief that female bodies are sinful and impure, and must be covered to protect boys and men who can’t be held responsible for their thoughts or actions.
(http://www.beautyredefined.net/modest-is-hottest-the-revealing-truth/)
Are we teaching our sons that is okay to objectify woman and that it is okay to do so because he has no control or responsibility for his thoughts or actions? What is being taught to our sons? What are we doing to our daughters self esteem when we place such a heavy burden upon them?
Without any doubt, modesty is important. I am not saying that it isn't. Modesty is something that is individual and a choice we make for a ourselves and not others. We are all responsible to ourselves for our dress.... male and female. We can influence the thoughts of others but you are not responsible for someone else's thoughts or actions. Someone else can influence your thoughts, too. Ultimately, you are the one responsible for how you think, act and feel. How we dress can influence us individually in how we think, feel, act and carry ourselves. Let's face it, we feel more confident when we are dressed right.
So what am I teaching my daughter? I am teaching her that she has a body and that body is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing and sacred gift from God and should be treated as such. Miss May has dressed herself since she was 3 years old. I am not going to crush her creativity because I want her to find expression in what she wears. I want her to be able to be comfortable in her own skin. I don't want her to feel like she has to cover her shoulders because she will be in trouble or think she is committing a sin if she doesn't. I want her to chose to cover her shoulders. I want her to make her own choices and be her own person. Ultimately, Hotstuff and I do have "Veto Power". If she has something that is not appropriate, we tell her that and explain why she can't wear it. And that explanation is not that what she wears makes her walking porn.
I am teaching my daughter, that we all have bodies and those beautiful, wonderful bodies deserve the same respect that she has for her own body. No matter the gender! I am teaching my daughter not to objectify men and as she get older and begins to understand, I will be teaching her the importance of controlling her thoughts.
So what I am teaching my son? The very same things. I am teaching him that he has a body and that body is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing and sacred gift from God and should be treated as such. I am allowing him to make his own choices in what he wears. I want him to make his own choices and be his own person. I want him to also find expression through what he wears. Our "Veto Power" extends to Bubba Jones also, along with an explanation.
I am teaching my son, that we all have bodies and those bodies are to be treated with respect; no matter the gender! I am teaching my son not to objectify women and as he get older and begins to understand, he too will be taught about the importance of controlling his thoughts.
I want my children to be a greater good for this world and that greater good begins within in them. I want them to have confidence, to be fearless. And I never want my children to feel less than what they are because of they way they are [not] dressed. I want and I encourage good choices made by my children.
I've made my confession, I've stood on my soap box and shared my thoughts. I didn't have the body or the wardrobe growing up. I never had the self confidence I deserved and a lot of damage was done. I still don't have the body and I am working on the wardrobe. I hope to one day realize the full potential of my self confidence to undo a lot of the damage that has been done.
This mentality doesn't change or stop just because a girl has become a woman. This mentality is carried for all woman of all ages. Young, old, married or unmarried. This is for all woman of all ages and situations.
In prepping for my soap box post and yes I am standing on my soap box, I came across this great website: http://www.beautyredefined.net/ and a blog post about modesty.
When we judge girls and women for the skin they are or are not showing, we are minimizing them to their bodies and repeating the same lies that females are only bodies in need of judgment and fixing. We are even perpetuating the shame-inducing belief that female bodies are sinful and impure, and must be covered to protect boys and men who can’t be held responsible for their thoughts or actions.
(http://www.beautyredefined.net/modest-is-hottest-the-revealing-truth/)
Are we teaching our sons that is okay to objectify woman and that it is okay to do so because he has no control or responsibility for his thoughts or actions? What is being taught to our sons? What are we doing to our daughters self esteem when we place such a heavy burden upon them?
Without any doubt, modesty is important. I am not saying that it isn't. Modesty is something that is individual and a choice we make for a ourselves and not others. We are all responsible to ourselves for our dress.... male and female. We can influence the thoughts of others but you are not responsible for someone else's thoughts or actions. Someone else can influence your thoughts, too. Ultimately, you are the one responsible for how you think, act and feel. How we dress can influence us individually in how we think, feel, act and carry ourselves. Let's face it, we feel more confident when we are dressed right.
So what am I teaching my daughter? I am teaching her that she has a body and that body is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing and sacred gift from God and should be treated as such. Miss May has dressed herself since she was 3 years old. I am not going to crush her creativity because I want her to find expression in what she wears. I want her to be able to be comfortable in her own skin. I don't want her to feel like she has to cover her shoulders because she will be in trouble or think she is committing a sin if she doesn't. I want her to chose to cover her shoulders. I want her to make her own choices and be her own person. Ultimately, Hotstuff and I do have "Veto Power". If she has something that is not appropriate, we tell her that and explain why she can't wear it. And that explanation is not that what she wears makes her walking porn.
I am teaching my daughter, that we all have bodies and those beautiful, wonderful bodies deserve the same respect that she has for her own body. No matter the gender! I am teaching my daughter not to objectify men and as she get older and begins to understand, I will be teaching her the importance of controlling her thoughts.
So what I am teaching my son? The very same things. I am teaching him that he has a body and that body is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing and sacred gift from God and should be treated as such. I am allowing him to make his own choices in what he wears. I want him to make his own choices and be his own person. I want him to also find expression through what he wears. Our "Veto Power" extends to Bubba Jones also, along with an explanation.
I am teaching my son, that we all have bodies and those bodies are to be treated with respect; no matter the gender! I am teaching my son not to objectify women and as he get older and begins to understand, he too will be taught about the importance of controlling his thoughts.
I want my children to be a greater good for this world and that greater good begins within in them. I want them to have confidence, to be fearless. And I never want my children to feel less than what they are because of they way they are [not] dressed. I want and I encourage good choices made by my children.
I've made my confession, I've stood on my soap box and shared my thoughts. I didn't have the body or the wardrobe growing up. I never had the self confidence I deserved and a lot of damage was done. I still don't have the body and I am working on the wardrobe. I hope to one day realize the full potential of my self confidence to undo a lot of the damage that has been done.
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