K-i-s-s-i-n-g

I stumbled across this little video this morning.

(Don't worry, they are just kissing!) 

Twenty people are asked to kiss a total stranger. And the results are beautiful! No two couples, introductions, approach, kisses or experience is the same. Every couple approaches this encounter nervous but with very little hesitation. They each took the time to make it personal. There is laughter and pure joy from everyone.

 

So I began to ponder about how we unique every introduction and relationship is different. How personal do we make each encounter that we come across? There was real touch between many of these couples. How honest a kiss can make many of us.

Thank goodness for Penis Envy!

This afternoon I was running a few errands on my way home from work. I haven't been feeling great and have been currently fighting a nasty cold. I was on my way to the store to get my prescription when I came up to a red light. I pulled up behind a jacked up beater of a truck and right behind me was a highway patrol man. I thought nothing of this until I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed Officer CHIP was playing on his computer. Then the horrible thought crossed my mind:

"OH $&%@#@*! My tags are expired!!!"

I remembered that my tags have not been renewed on my car. I played it cool and prayed I wouldn't get pulled over or that Officer CHIP was busy checking his Facebook Status. Then I looked ahead and noticed the truck in front of me. He too had not renewed his tags. In fact, the month of his tags was not even readable. The truck in front of me was high enough that the Officer CHIP got a good look at his license plates.

The light turned green and the line proceeded to turn left. I followed and the jacked up truck got ready to turn left onto another street. Just as the truck pulled into the turning lane: Officer CHIP hit his lights, followed the truck and pulled him over.

Now, I want Karma or what ever powers that be out there to know that I am not boasting. I am just grateful for the power of penis envy. Penis envy is what saved me from a ticket today.

#18 S-E-X

I know...

This looks really wrong...

I have all of these wonderful heartwarming post about family, friends and all things wonderful. Then I go and ruin it with a post about sex.

 But it is something that I just so happen to be grateful for.

I am not going to bore you with any details and I am not going to be a prude about it either.

I am grateful for SEX!!!!

It is wonderful, amazing, fun, sweet, and did I mention that it is awesome!?!?!
There is pure power that encompasses sex. It has the power to create, to bind and it even has the power to destroy. I am grateful for the creation and for the binding that comes when I share myself with my Hotstuff. It strengthens our partnership and makes us better for each other.

I am grateful for sex and like I said... I won't bore you with the details.

Simple Bare Neccesities

In the 10 years that Hotstuff and I have been married, we have not had two very specific things.

1. A dishwasher

and

2. Cable television

The Dishwasher....
   Every pot, every pan, every piece of silverware, every bottle, every last dish has all been soaked, scrubbed and washed by hand. We have lived in a few places and none of them had a dishwasher! You would think that a dishwasher was standard for all humble abodes but not the case for Hotstuff and I. For some reason, we haven't had the pleasure of a proper kitchen, let alone the advantage of a dishwasher.
   Our current apartment is two bedroom, one bath, 700 square feet of squishyness for four people. But when your rent is $500 a month you don't complain... too loudly or too much, you are just simply grateful for the roof over your head hasn't sprung a leak just yet.  This apartment complex was built back in the 70's; back in the day before microwaves cost over $500 but according to Wikipedia, dishwashers were standard back then.
   So what happened to us?!?!?
   Who knows but I have no sympathy for any child whose chore it is to load or unload the dishwasher. They will never know how a pot, pan, plate or cup really gets cleaned or how much time it takes to make sure every angle of a dish is scrubbed or the best way to get your dishes cleaned. It has been so long that I don't know if I could even load a dishwasher properly anymore. For now, we scrub by hand every dish, every utensil, every pot and every glass. I am anxious for that day when I  know that I will have truly made it is the day there is a dishwasher in my very own proper kitchen.

Cable Television...
   As newlyweds, you typically don't have the funds to have cable or much anything else. Hotstuff and I have found that Bruce Springsteen had the right idea with his song: "57 Channels and Nothing On."  We never had the desire for cable television but we never lapsed on our monthly membership to Blockbuster. Growing up, my family lived outside of town and the only television you could get was cable. No bunny ears on the planet could ever harness enough power for signal for your basic stations. You would need your own satellite dish just to make the snow on television take some shape.
  My mother got basic cable and I never really found anything worth watching. I never found much difference between what I get now on my digital television that picks up 23 channels and cable television that gave me 230 channels. We have learned to get along without it until.... cable got some pretty awesome shows.
   Okay... let me back up a bit. We have been able to get along without cable until Netflix.
   Sorry, I have to back up just a little bit more before Netflix. HULU!!!!
   STOP! I am getting way ahead of myself so let me go back to the beginning with the VCR.
   In the beginning there was the VCR and the Black Market but that is a story for another blog. Then came the VCR and Miami Vice and my mother thought it to be grand. You see, my mother had a huge crush on Don Johnson and she NEVER missed an episode of Miami Vice (cue theme music, speed boats, flamingos, bad hair do's and pink shirts).  She would record the show and then go back and watch it at a later time. So taking a page from my mothers book, Hotstuff and I had a few shows that we enjoyed and would do the very same. Press record, turn off the TV and once everything was said and done we could go back at a later time and watch our programs fast forwarding through every commercial. Our VCR later died and were S.O.L.
   The great idea of a DVR and TiVo would be ideal for our needs but that involves getting cable which equals more money leaving our pockets. So instead, we turn to the Internet.  HULU, is fabulous but most of my favorite programs are not available until eight days after it has aired. Leaving me perpetually one week/episode behind for the season. Enter Netflix and one of the many reasons I love Fall! Around the time that a new season begins Netflix (on the Watch Instantly menu) updates the shows with the episodes from the previous season. Some shows I can watch quickly enough and get all caught up just in time for the season premier so that I can once again be one episode behind for the new season.
   Then cable television gets some pretty awesome shows. For instance, DEXTER. I love this show!!! It is one of the most brilliant shows on television. Scratch that- It is the MOST BRILLIANT SHOW on television. We like this show so much that Hotstuff dressed up as Dexter for Halloween last year. But alas, this brilliant show on Showtime can only be accessed by cable television. No such luck on waiting the next day to watch it on HULU or the Showtime website. Leaving us forever a season behind. I have a couple of other favorite shows on cable that I thoroughly enjoy: True Blood on HBO and Leverage on TNT.
   While everyone else finds out how Sookie Stackhouse dealt with her break up with Bill and Eric and if she will finally decided which vampire is the true love of her life (which better be Bill Compton because he just is!) and who is this mysterious "authority", I must wait to find out months later when the new season starts. Then someone told me the ending of the last season of Dexter and the suspense is KILLING ME!!!! Because I know and I was waiting for it to happen and I didn't think it would happen and I am shocked it happened but did it have to happen? and how did it happen?

So what do Dishwashers and Cable Television have to do with anything????

   They both happen to be standards in almost every home. Our standards and priorities have changed from twenty years ago, when cable was a luxury and not a necessity. Washing my dishes by hand doesn't bother me. Yes it is inconvenient and takes time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would love to just load a dishwasher up, put the soap in, press a few buttons and walk away. All of that would save me (and my Hotstuff because he does the dishes too!) a lot of time, leaving us free to do more.
Not having cable doesn't bother me either. I have gotten used to being behind a season or a week in my favorite shows but I have ways of watching those shows so that I don't have to sit through commercials and I can watch them at my convenience. I am not bound to the time table that my television station dictate. By not having these simple bare neccesities, I have been able to let go and find more important things that give structure to my life- my family.
  
   In ten years time will we have cable? Probably not and that is okay but I damn well better have a dishwasher.

Thoughts from the Pot

My mother taught me to share but there are certain things in life that one shouldn't share.

Like the flu... or and an STD.

"Boob Job! Ya have one?"

I have decided I need to boob job. Plain and simple.

"Why?" you might ask. Truth be told, I need a way out of a speeding ticket.

"WHAAAAAAT!" you might exclaim. Yes, in all my cuteness and honesty I have never gotten a warning for speeding. Just the ticket.

Yes, I see that puzzled look on your face. To be fair, yes I was speeding but I didn't realize that I was.

You're still confused.

Last week, I was on my way to an evening appointment. I noticed the traffic was heavy so I decided to take the back road and avoid any delays. Heading west, I started down the back road where the speed limit is 35 mph. About two miles down the road there is a major 4 way stop and less than a mile after that there is a light. After the light, the speed limit turns to 25 mph... or so I thought.

Heading west down the back road, I crossed through the four way stop and headed towards the light. Thinking the speed limit was 35, I drove towards my appointment. I had no intentions on speeding- I just drove to my appointment and with a lot on my mind I was doing about 38 mph.

Ahead of me I noticed a car, faced in the opposite direction, turn it's light and engine on. I slowed down below 35. I had no way of knowing what the driver of the car's intentions were and I had already been in one accident this month, I really wasn't in the mood for another. There was barely enough space for the car to flip around into my lane and pull infront of me and this is one of those back roads where that happens quite frequently. As I passed the car I realized it was a police officer and he then flipped around into my lane behind me! No lights flashed or any other notions from him to pull over or that I was going to be pulled over at all. He followed me to the light.

I pulled up to the red light and waited. I noticed just after the light there was a sign posting the speed limit of 25 mph. The light turned green and I proceeded through the intersection. With the police officer still following (this is one of those"am I really in trouble? because I think my father just got home!" moments) I obeyed the 25 mph speed limit and just as I passsed the sign; his light flash and I was pulled over. Mind you, I was obeying the speed limit when he pulled me over!

Then there was the usual: "License and registration, please. Oh, and did you know that you were doing 13 over the speed limit!"

I thought: I could cry! No.... I really can't cry on demand and I wasn't wearing any waterproof mascara.

What else I could do??? hmmm.... well, showing cleavage was totally out of the question. Because I don't have any! That's why!Even with my fantastic bra from Fredericks of Hollywood (amazing bras by the way!!) I still don't have anything to entice any male other than my Hotstuff. Besides that, it was way to cold to be taking off anything.

At this point, I have no other secret weapons (well, that are moral and legal) to get out of this so I might as well be honest.

The police officer explained to me that I was speeding. I apologized and explained that I did not realize that the section of road that I was just on was 25mph. I thought it was 35 until after you go through the light.

"Sorry, no," he said. "About 1500 feet from the stop sign there is a posting for 25 miles per hour." Later, when I told a few friends and Hotstuff about what happened, they did not even know that the speed limit was 25. All of them thought the same as I did, it was 35 until you get to the light and 25 after the light. I had driven a good half a mile doing 13 over the limit.

The office took my information and went back to his vehicle. I sent a text to my appointment letting them know I would be late. I patiently waited for the officer to return. Ten minutes later he finally comes back.

"Well, I am willing to work with you. This road is dark and we have a lot of people who ride their bikes and walk down the road. So instead of writing that you were doing 13 over, I am only going to put that you were doing 5 over."

WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The first time that my best friend got pulled over, she blubbered like a baby. The officer gave her a warning. She was doing 45 in a 25 mph school zone. My friend C, just recently got pulled over for doing 17 over in a construction zone, she didn't have her license and she was driving her boyfriends car. She got off with a WARNING!!! (No offense C- just using you as an example.)

Willing to work with me means, giving me a warning not a damn ticket! I kept my mouth shut and nodded politely because I knew that if I opened my mouth the next words out of them would be: " Looks like somebodys got a quota to fill!"

Besides that who in their right mind would even go down that back road?? It's Decemeber for crying out loud!

I quietly took my ticket and was told I could go. My mother raised me to be honest and I was. She also raised me that there are consequences to every action. I have been having a hard time understanding that anytime I have been pulled over, I have been honest and did not try to get out of it and I still end up getting a ticket. Honesty might be the best policy but I have decided that's not getting me very far.

This is where the boob job comes in. I figure with a "fuller figure" and some honesty it just might get a whole lot farther. Or at least a Warning.

When a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much.... they do laundry!

I have come to the conculsion that there is a sexual nature to laundry.

I know! Surprised me too! Yes, I am talking about laundry, that horrible, nasty, unforgiving, never ending chore; has a sexual nature.

So how did I come to this warped conclusion? Well, lets take a look.

~Laundry will always be there calling your name.... in that cute little coy voice that it uses. You know the voice. It's that Hannibal Lector meets Antonio Banderas voice, so sexy yet so very dangerous.
"Honey, I am waiting. I'm right here... you know you want to do me...."

~ Laundry is very particular about it's likes.... some loads like it hot... and the really "special" loads like it cold. The spin cycle... well you get the idea!

~Washing; you can pretty much guarantee the time, start to finish.

~Drying, well, that may take all day!

~Some loads require extras to get your whites whiter and you loads smelling fresh.

~There is a presoak and an extra rinse cycle on the washing machine.

~There are timed cycles on the dryer and some loads just need to be fluffed.

~Finally, no matter how many loads you do, there will always more.