So my interest was peaked this morning when I heard on the radio that Chris Martin, the lead singer from Coldplay and his wife, actress, Gwyneth Paltrow are separating. I take no joy in the demise of any marriage and what the two of them are going through is not easy. Best thoughts and wishes to their family.
(To read the full public letter: http://www.goop.com/journal/be/conscious-uncoupling)
But "separating" is not the word they are using to describe what they are actually doing.
The term they are using is: "CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING"
My first thought: "What in the hell is conscious uncoupling??" So I did a little research and I found an article from the Washington Post (http://www.washingtonpost.com/entertainment/music/paltrows-conscious-uncoupling-confounds-many/2014/03/26/2dc65960-b52b-11e3-bab2-b9602293021d_story.html ) and from Time Magazine (http://time.com/38650/what-gwyneth-paltrow-really-means-by-conscious-uncoupling/) and I headed over to www.goop.com (Paltrows website and blog.)
"The term was coined by a Los Angeles therapist and author, Katherine Woodward Thomas, who has created a five-step “Conscious Uncoupling” online process — to “release the trauma of a breakup, reclaim your power and reinvent your life.”" (from the Washington Post article).
Mr. Martin and Miss Paltrow, let's face it! What you are doing is not "conscious uncoupling". You are getting DIVORCED and using really big words to deflect what you are really doing does not change anything or make what you are doing any easier.
Paltrow,announced their divorce on her website with a public letter. Below the letter was a blog post from Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami, expanding on what "conscious uncoupling" is.
Dr. Sadeghi and Dr. Sami, the authors of this article, I hereby declare your article: BULL SHIT!!!!!
"Why?" you might ask.
#1 I did not get married to get divorced and I do not believe that anyone else gets married to get divorced.
The current statistic states that 50% of all marriages in end divorce; it's sad but very true. I am a child of divorce and so is my husband. Just because divorce is a common occurrence doesn't mean that it is a good thing or always the right thing. To be fair, there are times that divorce is the right thing- those are the marriages that have turned toxic and abusive.
I went into my marriage to be married to the man I love not to divorce him after any amount of time. Has my marriage been perfect? No and far from perfect. We work on our marriage constantly and we don't work on it for our children. We work on our marriage for us and because we do, our children reap those benefits.
The average cost of a wedding in the US today is $25,200. So who in their right mind would spend over 25 grand on a wedding just to get divorced??
"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." -When Harry Met Sally
#2 "To put in plainly, as divorce rates indicate, human beings haven’t been able to fully adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy. Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. "
Sure, we are all living longer and I hope to live a very long and full life... with MY HUSBAND!! The same man that I married when I was 19. My great grandparents lived into their 80's. My great-grandfather was born in 1907 and my great grandmother was born in 1914. They were married for 65 years! Legally, they were married for only 60 years. My great grandparents divorced after 30 years of marriage and for five years were divorced. My grandmother told me the story that my great grandmother called her one day to announce that she was going to marry my great grandfather again. When she explained why, she simply said: "Because there is no other man like him." Even though they were legally divorced for five years, my great grandfather still counted those years as being married. In those five years, he learned how to cook a hamburger but he also learned to love his wife.
From the Guinness book of world records; the longest marriage:
Herbert Fisher (USA, b. 10 June 1905) and Zelmyra Fisher (USA, b. 10 December 1907) were married on May 13, 1924 in North Carolina, USA. They had been married 86 years, 9 months, and 16 days as of 27 February 2011.Herbert Fisher sadly died on Sunday 27th February 2011. The couple had 5 children.
“The remedy for most marital stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance and forgiveness, in sincere expressions of charity and service. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man and a woman to square up their shoulders and meet their obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule, a time-honored principle that should first and foremost find expression in marriage.” ~Gordon B. Hinckley
#3"Yes, there will be hiccups in the process, but by and large, there’s no more learning left to do. They’ll both be the same people 10 or 20 years from now as they are today. "
I am NOT the same person I was 12 year ago. I am NOT the same person I was yesterday. My Hotstuff isn't the same person today as he was 12 years ago and I certainly hope that he [positively] changes over the next 12 years, just as I will. I am constantly learning about him and he is constantly learning about me.
Marriage is not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to be hard. You are supposed to grow, change and learn together. Isn't that what one of the many aspect of marriage is? A process by which two people grow, change and learn together.
“What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life--to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?”
~George Eliot
#4 "The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life....The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone."
Challenge Accepted!
My Hotstuff and I have been married for over 11 years. This summer we will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary. He is the only person that I have ever wanted to be married to. On the day I married him, my intent was to get married and be married. The mere fact that you are telling me that I can't do it, makes me want to do this even more.
I don't believe that people go through out a happy marriage with the thoughts of:
"When is this marriage going to be over?"
"I wonder who I am going to marry next?"
"This marriage is too hard!! I want another one!"
If being married to the same person for an entire lifetime really is "too much pressure" then NO ONE would ever get married. If marriage is really that bad, then why get married? Do you have so little faith in people that you have resulted to insulting our intelligence. Millions of people right now are fighting for the simple right of marriage. Can you look any of them in the face and tell them to give up? Don't fight because you are just going to fail. Could you tell a couple who has been married, don't get your hopes up because it is not going to work out?
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
~Rita Rudner
#5 "Living happily ever after for the length of a 21st century lifetime should not be the yardstick by which we define a successful intimate relationship: This is an important consideration as we reform the concept of divorce."
Then how would you define a successful intimate relationship? By reforming the concept of divorce? Let's look at their definitions:
Divorce: the complete separation of two things
Marriage: the relationship that exists between a husband and a wife (a similar relationship between people of the same sex)
“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”
~A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Dr. Sadeghi and Dr. Sami, I read your post and felt that you treat marriage as if it was a plastic toy that you could play with and if you broke it you could just get a new one. As if it is okay to have a mentality of: "it's okay! I can be a complete jerk because I can always get another one". You treat marriage as if was this impossible task that no can or ever will be successful at it, so why try? You suggest that it's okay to have multiple marriages and divorces (and I am not judging anyone who has had multiple marriages and divorces) but have you taken into account the damage that is done with each new divorce? You suggest that we don't need to take responsibility because nothing is ever our fault.
I am not an expert and I don't claim to be, but I know what I have with my husband deserves the greatest respect, love and work that I can give. Our marriage is sacred and we treat it as such. We are responsible for our marriage.
To quote my Hotstuff: "If our marriage fails, it wasn't because we couldn't, it's was because we didn't."
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