I am LDS (Mormon) and I live in Utah. And please, DO NOT call me a "Utah Mormon", because I know exactly what you are talking about when you call me that and it hurts... I rather you call me fat and spit in my face. But that is not what I am blogging about today. Today I am blogging about the most controversial subject in Utah right now- No, not Same Sex Marriage but Homosexuality. One day, I will be able to find the words to explain my stance on Same Sex Marriage but I need to be able to fine tune how I feel to help you understand without offending or contradicting myself. Frankly, I am struggling with the issue. In 2004, the state of Utah defined marriage as the legal union between one man and one woman. In December 2013, a little judge came along and said: "Hey, people of Utah you are being jerks!" Just kidding! I don't think he said that (or used the word jerks).
"On December 20, 2013, District Judge Robert J. Shelby struck down the same-sex marriage ban as unconstitutional.[7] He wrote:[8]
Amendment 3 perpetuates inequality by holding that the families and relationships of same-sex couples are not now, nor ever will be, worthy of recognition. Amendment 3 does not thereby elevate the status of opposite-sex marriage; it merely demeans the dignity of same-sex couples. And while the State cites an interest in protecting traditional marriage, it protects that interest by denying one of the most traditional aspects of marriage to thousands of its citizens: the right to form a family that is strengthened by a partnership based on love, intimacy, and shared responsibilities." (From the most trustworthy source on the internet: Wikipedia.) After December 20th, what did I see? I saw two things: One- Thousand of people rushing to the courts to get married. Two- I saw HATE. Pure hate coming from people who preach about love, charity, compassion and that all of us are children of God.
I was, as they say: "born into the church." Meaning, that my parents were members of the church, therefore I am automatically a member- same rule applies to most religions. I grew up being taught that I am a Child of God who loves me and God loves all of his Children. I was taught and have learned to love others, that great commandment from John chapter 13 verse 34: A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
Just a note: in that scripture Jesus states not once but twice: "Love one another".
I was encourage to serve, show compassion and show charity (which is defined as the PURE LOVE OF CHRIST) to everyone. No matter who or what they are. After December 20th, I felt as if I had missed some footnote in the church manuals that said: we should love one another as Jesus has commanded... except those who are gay.
My brother is gay and I love him. Do I agree with his all of his choices? No and to be fair he doesn't agree of mine but he is still my brother. For me, there is no footnote that says love everyone except the gays. I love and accept my brother for who he is, not what he is.
One of the best lessons I have learned about love has come from the most unlikely source in my little Mormon life. It came from Pope Francis.
Pope Francis leads millions of Catholics everyday. His position is viewed as the closest to God and yet he is humble enough to say: Who am I to judge? I believe that if Pope Francis can live this, so can I.
When we let go of our judgments, we let go of our fear and we learn to love.
I am a huge Coldplay fan and I am so excited for their new album to come out. I am in love with the new song.
So my interest was peaked this morning when I heard on the radio that Chris Martin, the lead singer from Coldplay and his wife, actress, Gwyneth Paltrow are separating. I take no joy in the demise of any marriage and what the two of them are going through is not easy. Best thoughts and wishes to their family. (To read the full public letter: http://www.goop.com/journal/be/conscious-uncoupling)
But "separating" is not the word they are using to describe what they are actually doing.
The term they are using is: "CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING"
Mr. Martin and Miss Paltrow, let's face it! What you are doing is not "conscious uncoupling". You are getting DIVORCED and using really big words to deflect what you are really doing does not change anything or make what you are doing any easier.
Paltrow,announced their divorce on her website with a public letter. Below the letter was a blog post from Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami, expanding on what "conscious uncoupling" is.
Dr. Sadeghi and Dr. Sami, the authors of this article, I hereby declare your article: BULL SHIT!!!!!
"Why?" you might ask.
#1 I did not get married to get divorced and I do not believe that anyone else gets married to get divorced.
The current statistic states that 50% of all marriages in end divorce; it's sad but very true. I am a child of divorce and so is my husband. Just because divorce is a common occurrence doesn't mean that it is a good thing or always the right thing. To be fair, there are times that divorce is the right thing- those are the marriages that have turned toxic and abusive.
I went into my marriage to be married to the man I love not to divorce him after any amount of time. Has my marriage been perfect? No and far from perfect. We work on our marriage constantly and we don't work on it for our children. We work on our marriage for us and because we do, our children reap those benefits.
The average cost of a wedding in the US today is $25,200. So who in their right mind would spend over 25 grand on a wedding just to get divorced??
"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." -When Harry Met Sally
#2 "To put in plainly, as divorce rates indicate, human beings haven’t been able to fully adapt to our skyrocketing life expectancy. Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades. "
Sure, we are all living longer and I hope to live a very long and full life... with MY HUSBAND!! The same man that I married when I was 19. My great grandparents lived into their 80's. My great-grandfather was born in 1907 and my great grandmother was born in 1914. They were married for 65 years! Legally, they were married for only 60 years. My great grandparents divorced after 30 years of marriage and for five years were divorced. My grandmother told me the story that my great grandmother called her one day to announce that she was going to marry my great grandfather again. When she explained why, she simply said: "Because there is no other man like him." Even though they were legally divorced for five years, my great grandfather still counted those years as being married. In those five years, he learned how to cook a hamburger but he also learned to love his wife.
From the Guinness book of world records; the longest marriage:
Herbert Fisher (USA, b. 10 June 1905) and Zelmyra Fisher (USA, b. 10 December 1907) were married on May 13, 1924 in North Carolina, USA. They had been married 86 years, 9 months, and 16 days as of 27 February 2011.Herbert Fisher sadly died on Sunday 27th February 2011. The couple had 5 children.
“The remedy for most marital stress is not in divorce. It is in repentance and forgiveness, in sincere expressions of charity and service. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man and a woman to square up their shoulders and meet their obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule, a time-honored principle that should first and foremost find expression in marriage.” ~Gordon B. Hinckley
#3"Yes, there will be hiccups in the process, but by and large, there’s no more learning left to do. They’ll both be the same people 10 or 20 years from now as they are today. "
I am NOT the same person I was 12 year ago. I am NOT the same person I was yesterday. My Hotstuff isn't the same person today as he was 12 years ago and I certainly hope that he [positively] changes over the next 12 years, just as I will. I am constantly learning about him and he is constantly learning about me.
Marriage is not supposed to be easy. It is supposed to be hard. You are supposed to grow, change and learn together. Isn't that what one of the many aspect of marriage is? A process by which two people grow, change and learn together.
“What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life--to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?” ~George Eliot
#4 "The belief structure is the all-or-nothing idea that when we marry, it’s for life....The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone."
Challenge Accepted!
My Hotstuff and I have been married for over 11 years. This summer we will be celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary. He is the only person that I have ever wanted to be married to. On the day I married him, my intent was to get married and be married. The mere fact that you are telling me that I can't do it, makes me want to do this even more.
I don't believe that people go through out a happy marriage with the thoughts of:
"When is this marriage going to be over?"
"I wonder who I am going to marry next?"
"This marriage is too hard!! I want another one!"
If being married to the same person for an entire lifetime really is "too much pressure" then NO ONE would ever get married. If marriage is really that bad, then why get married? Do you have so little faith in people that you have resulted to insulting our intelligence. Millions of people right now are fighting for the simple right of marriage. Can you look any of them in the face and tell them to give up? Don't fight because you are just going to fail. Could you tell a couple who has been married, don't get your hopes up because it is not going to work out?
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." ~Rita Rudner
#5 "Living happily ever after for the length of a 21st century lifetime should not be the yardstick by which we define a successful intimate relationship: This is an important consideration as we reform the concept of divorce."
Then how would you define a successful intimate relationship? By reforming the concept of divorce? Let's look at their definitions:
Divorce: the complete separation of two things
Marriage: the relationship that exists between a husband and a wife (a similar relationship between people of the same sex)
People get married to live happily ever after! We all want a happily ever after for our lifetime with the person we love the most. We all want to find our Prince/Princess Charming and ride off into the sunset with them. I certainly did not get married to be miserable. I got married because I found a happiness with the man I love. I got married to share, to laugh, to cry, to love, to play, to go and do with my Hotstuff. My happily ever after cannot be measured.
“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.” ~A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Dr. Sadeghi and Dr. Sami, I read your post and felt that you treat marriage as if it was a plastic toy that you could play with and if you broke it you could just get a new one. As if it is okay to have a mentality of: "it's okay! I can be a complete jerk because I can always get another one". You treat marriage as if was this impossible task that no can or ever will be successful at it, so why try? You suggest that it's okay to have multiple marriages and divorces (and I am not judging anyone who has had multiple marriages and divorces) but have you taken into account the damage that is done with each new divorce? You suggest that we don't need to take responsibility because nothing is ever our fault.
I am not an expert and I don't claim to be, but I know what I have with my husband deserves the greatest respect, love and work that I can give. Our marriage is sacred and we treat it as such. We are responsible for our marriage.
To quote my Hotstuff: "If our marriage fails, it wasn't because we couldn't, it's was because we didn't."
I am a mother.
I have two children and the oldest is a beautiful girl; Miss May.
Just recently, the topic of modesty has become a huge discussion in our home. Miss May is 10 years old and is growing up. I have two years left of a little girl before I get a teenager and that teenager will be greeting this world in full force.
Confession: I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager.
I hated my body... I kinda still do. I was poor and most of what I wore was very outdated and not flattering. Imagine Harry Potter receiving his cousins Dudley's over sized, old and tattered clothes... I was the female version of that. At a time of my life that I should have been able to blossom, I wasn't allowed to. Both of my parents were very heavy and at some point in their lives, have topped the scales at (or close to) 300 pounds and I inherited the predisposition to being over weight. I didn't and still don't have that flat tummy, every woman is "supposed" to have. I carry my weight in my belly, hips, butt and thighs. Always have and always will. I grew up in a very abusive home where my life was completely dictated by my mother with a very strong religious influence. She was so controlling that I had no choice in anything I wore; including my underwear.
Did I rebel?
Hell yes, I DID!!!
Like I said, at a time in my life when I should have been able to blossom, I wasn't allowed to. I also did not have a body like the other girls. I so desperately wanted to be skinny that I didn't eat.
So what does my eating disorder have to do with modesty?? A lot.
Growing up, I was taught that certain articles of clothing were immodest: tank tops and shorts that did not go to or past my knees. Two piece swimming suits were a huge no-no and most of the time I had to wear a t-shirt over my one piece swimming suit in public. Push up/lacy, under wire... basically any bra that wasn't white and plain and underwear that were not granny panties were something that only a prostitute wore. Essentially, anything that exposed my skin with the exception of my lower legs, anything from the neck up and from the elbows down was immodest and sinful.
I was told that you were a whore if you wore a thong... and that was something that came from church leaders. To be fair, my mother used the word "whore" and my church leaders simply implied that.
The point I am trying to make is that I have never felt comfortable in my own skin and being able to express myself through my clothing was forbidden. High school is not an educational experience but a social experience and if you can't fit the social norm: Welcome To HELL!
My best friend Bullfrog and I have know each other since we were 12 years old. She was raised a baptist and over the 5 years of school we shared together, I saw her in pants twice. She was not allowed to wear pants; only dresses and the length had to come below her knees.
So what the big deal about what we wore?? Two words: WALKING PORN.
What we were taught was, we were and still are walking porn to all men. And we as women are responsible for how they think, feel and act. We are sinful, horrible, ugly and men are not responsible for their lustful thoughts or their actions. If we wore something immodest and a man has an improper thought about us, that is not the mans fault. They get a free pass from sin while we as women are condemned as whores for showing our ankles.
Just recently, the was a devotional given at BYU- Idaho by Elder Tad R. Callister of the presidency of the Seventy from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. His devotional is about modesty and it is a good devotional with great thoughts ( https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/03/the-lords-standard-of-morality?lang=eng ). But.... this is what upset me:
"Women particularly can dress modestly and in the process contribute to their own self-respect and to the moral purity of men. In the end, most women get the type of man they dress for."
My personal translation to that: if you get raped, it was because of what you wore and it is your fault. If your husband ends up being a jerk, it's probably because you wore thongs and lacy push up bras. A young mans "moral purity" is your, the woman's, responsibility and not his.
If that is true, then please explain something to me. Many Muslim woman wear something call a Burka. This article of clothing covers the entire body of a woman; very little skin is shown, if any at all.
So according to the statement of: "women get the type of man they dress for" and if this woman (who is completely covered) is raped, is that her fault??
This mentality doesn't change or stop just because a girl has become a woman. This mentality is carried for all woman of all ages. Young, old, married or unmarried. This is for all woman of all ages and situations.
In prepping for my soap box post and yes I am standing on my soap box, I came across this great website: http://www.beautyredefined.net/ and a blog post about modesty.
When we judge girls and women for the skin they are or are not showing, we are minimizing them to their bodies and repeating the same lies that females are only bodies in need of judgment and fixing. We are even perpetuating the shame-inducing belief that female bodies are sinful and impure, and must be covered to protect boys and men who can’t be held responsible for their thoughts or actions. (http://www.beautyredefined.net/modest-is-hottest-the-revealing-truth/)
Are we teaching our sons that is okay to objectify woman and that it is okay to do so because he has no control or responsibility for his thoughts or actions? What is being taught to our sons? What are we doing to our daughters self esteem when we place such a heavy burden upon them?
Without any doubt, modesty is important. I am not saying that it isn't. Modesty is something that is individual and a choice we make for a ourselves and not others. We are all responsible to ourselves for our dress.... male and female. We can influence the thoughts of others but you are not responsible for someone else's thoughts or actions. Someone else can influence your thoughts, too. Ultimately, you are the one responsible for how you think, act and feel. How we dress can influence us individually in how we think, feel, act and carry ourselves. Let's face it, we feel more confident when we are dressed right.
So what am I teaching my daughter? I am teaching her that she has a body and that body is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing and sacred gift from God and should be treated as such. Miss May has dressed herself since she was 3 years old. I am not going to crush her creativity because I want her to find expression in what she wears. I want her to be able to be comfortable in her own skin. I don't want her to feel like she has to cover her shoulders because she will be in trouble or think she is committing a sin if she doesn't. I want her to chose to cover her shoulders. I want her to make her own choices and be her own person. Ultimately, Hotstuff and I do have "Veto Power". If she has something that is not appropriate, we tell her that and explain why she can't wear it. And that explanation is not that what she wears makes her walking porn.
I am teaching my daughter, that we all have bodies and those beautiful, wonderful bodies deserve the same respect that she has for her own body. No matter the gender! I am teaching my daughter not to objectify men and as she get older and begins to understand, I will be teaching her the importance of controlling her thoughts.
So what I am teaching my son? The very same things. I am teaching him that he has a body and that body is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing and sacred gift from God and should be treated as such. I am allowing him to make his own choices in what he wears. I want him to make his own choices and be his own person. I want him to also find expression through what he wears. Our "Veto Power" extends to Bubba Jones also, along with an explanation.
I am teaching my son, that we all have bodies and those bodies are to be treated with respect; no matter the gender! I am teaching my son not to objectify women and as he get older and begins to understand, he too will be taught about the importance of controlling his thoughts.
I want my children to be a greater good for this world and that greater good begins within in them. I want them to have confidence, to be fearless. And I never want my children to feel less than what they are because of they way they are [not] dressed. I want and I encourage good choices made by my children.
I've made my confession, I've stood on my soap box and shared my thoughts. I didn't have the body or the wardrobe growing up. I never had the self confidence I deserved and a lot of damage was done. I still don't have the body and I am working on the wardrobe. I hope to one day realize the full potential of my self confidence to undo a lot of the damage that has been done.
Twenty people are asked to kiss a total stranger. And the results are beautiful! No two couples, introductions, approach, kisses or experience is the same. Every couple approaches this encounter nervous but with very little hesitation. They each took the time to make it personal. There is laughter and pure joy from everyone.
So I began to ponder about how we unique every introduction and relationship is different. How personal do we make each encounter that we come across? There was real touch between many of these couples. How honest a kiss can make many of us.
