#5 Mama called the Doctor

Today has gone by quickly and I accomplished very little. I paid just as much attention to finding my gratitude today as to how much I accomplished. So as I sit here, contemplating the thing that has made me grateful today, all I can come up with is my Pulmonologist: Dr. H

I know, that is really weird to be grateful for your pulmonologist but I am. You see, about three years ago, I was really sick. I couldn't breath and nobody could explain it. I started seeing Dr. H in 2009 and with the help a few other doctors, we discovered that my gallbladder was broken (and was forthwith removed), I had asthma and I was allergic to the Flu Shot.

I work in health care but I do not interact with patients. I sit behind a desk, that is hidden within the administration office. I interact with the public mostly by phone. Last year, my company made it mandatory that every employee must have a flu shot.

BUT I AM ALLERGIC!!!!!

So, I applied for an exemption. I was denied.

I got my flu shot and I immediately got sick. I went into Dr. H, we made sure that everything was properly documented so that the next year I wouldn't be denied.

"Next year, I will make sure that they know that you can't have this shot and to leave you the hell alone!" she said as I left her office.

Once again, Flu Shot season is upon us and once again: I was denied.

I immediately called her office but she is on call this week so her office is closed. But I spoke with her nurse and she was upset that I was denied. Apparently, my reaction isn't considered an adverse effect/allergic reaction by the CDC. I emailed Dr. H and so did her nurse.

I haven't heard back from her yet but I know that she will cannot be happy with our corporate office right about now. I am grateful to know that I have someone who cares. She is an amazing doctor, with a great smile and great sense of humor. It also doesn't hurt that her daughters are in girl scouts and sell me thin mints every March. I have faith in her that she is on my side and will be doing everything in her power to make sure that I am healthy and that I can breath. She is willing to fight for me.

She cares for me as person and not just her patient. For that, I am truly grateful.

#4 Miss May

 

I am not going to lie: I was angry when I found I was pregnant with Miss May.

 

I wasn't ready. I wasn't in a good place in my life. I didn't want to take the chance of having another miscarriage.

 

Three days after I found out that I was pregnant, my sweet sister in law lost her baby at 22 weeks.

 

Then, my mother died. I was 27 weeks pregnant with Miss May, when I got the phone call that my mother had passed in her sleep. Four days later, my biological father assaulted me. I missed my mothers viewing and because I was in the Labor and Delivery Trauma Unit for most of the night. We almost lost her. Her heart rate dropped and I experienced deep fear. Real ugly fear. I had just lost my Mommy and I was facing losing a second child. I took a deep breath... I can't remember if I prayed, I probably did. Then, her sweet swooshing heart beat once more filled the room.

 

She rescued me from my grief. She became a light and beacon to my life. She has tested every ounce of patience in me. She has pushed every limit and then some. She has been my teacher. She has brought sunshine and thunder to my life.

 

She has never been a cuddly child but she is the most loving. She learned to crawl at 5 months and was walking around the furniture at six months. By nine months she was walking and at a year, she was running. She is one of the smartest (and most cunning) people I know. She is an old soul and has wisdom and strength that is powerful.

 

And I am grateful that I get to be her Momma.

#3 The Good Life

I seriously believe that God is trying to tell me something. I know that he is constantly teaching me but right now, I believe that he is telling me.

What is this thing that God is telling you? You might wonder.

For a long time now, I have many experiences where I am walking away from them with the impresssions of:

 

Be Grateful

 

Count Your Blessings

 

Life is better than you think.

 

Be Aware of all that you have.

 

It's going to be Okay.

This morning I awoke in search of what I was grateful for. My list went on and on (it's a good thing I still have the rest of the month to cover them all) but nothing satisfied me. So this afternoon, the kids and I went grocery shopping and this awesome song came on. I listened to some of the words and realized what I was grateful for:

MY GOOD LIFE.

My life isn't bad. My life is good with the potential to get even better!

So please tell me what's there to complain about?

An Attitude of Gratitude

Fall is upon us.
The leaves have turned.
The candy supply is in full swing until February.
Halloween is over.
The Christmas music is now playing on the radio.

What!!?!?!?!?!?!?
CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!!!!!!

Hello People!!! There is this little holiday between Halloween and Christmas called: THANKSGIVING.

Remember???

You know what I am talking about. Turkey, Cranberry sauce, mashed potatos, rolls, pies, pies and more pies. Stretchy pants and let us not forget the most wonderful Thanksgiving tradition of all: Football. I understand that the holidays come upon us quickly and pass even faster but seriously, you're starting your Christmas Holiday now??

Give November a chance!

So in the spirit of giving thanks, for the past two years I have taken every day in November to give thanks on Facebook. This year, because I don't have to worry about the number of characters, I have decided to blog my Thank Yous. Here I can tell you a whole lot more of why I am thankful.

So to catch up...

November 1
Today I am grateful for Nyquil and sleep.
Tuesday night I had a fever close to 103. I was really sick! My wonderful Hotstuff saved the day and ran to the store and bought me the only thing they really had left... Nyquil.
I took two tablets at 930pm and slept until 1230 the next day. My fever broke and I was able to get over most of what ailed me. All with the help of some Nyquil and 15 hours of sleep.

November 2
Today I am grateful for HOME.
This one is kinda hard to explain.I grew up just south of Portland, Or. and my adoptive parents live near Seattle. I have never lived a day of my life in Seattle but every time that plane touches down at Sea-Tac or PDX, I feel like I am home.  I have lived in the state of Utah for the last 11 years now. Eleven years later, I still feel like a tourist.
A couple of days ago, I recieved an email from my adoptive mom telling me about job openings at the Naval Shipyard. This job oppurtunity for Hotstuff (and our family) would be AMAZING!! But it would also mean that we would have to move to the Great Northwest. (Insert Happy dance here!) I shouldn't get too ahead of myself though, Hotstuff has only applied.
Meditating upon the many different ideas and scenarios in  my head about moving, for the first time ever... I have some reservations about going home to the Great Northwest. We have our children in great schools, my sister lives (80 miles) nearby, we both a lot of extended family in the state, we have good jobs and I have a job with great benefits. We have soooo much established here, why fix something that ain't broke?
As I said my morning prayers today, I prayed about some of this. I found myself grateful for so much. I realized as I prayed, that I will probably always feel like a tourist here in Utah. I may never find that satisfaction of living here and going home may never be an option. But going there.... going home with be an act of faith and trust in God. With all of that, I finally understood that HOME meant more than a place. HOME really is where your heart is and mine is with these wonderful people.

Smooth Sunday Sounds (posted on a Tuesday)

I  am a huge U2 fan and to prove my fandom: if the world ended tomorrow and I could only take one CD with me it would be The Joshua Tree album by U2.

One of my most favorite movies is a German film called: Faraway, So Close.

It's about an angel, Cassiel, who falls in order to experience a mortal life.  Below is a clip from the film.

So what do you get when my favorite movie and my favorite band collide???

This:
 Stay (Faraway, So Close)

 

(Sorry about the subtitles, it was the one I could find)

 

If I could stay...
Then the night would give you up
Stay...then the day would keep its trust
Stay...with the demons you drowned
Stay...with the spirit I found
Stay...and the night would be enough

Three o'clock in the morning
It's quiet and there's no one around
Just the bang and the clatter
As an angel runs to ground

Just the bang
And the clatter
As an angel
Hits the ground

Simple Bare Neccesities

In the 10 years that Hotstuff and I have been married, we have not had two very specific things.

1. A dishwasher

and

2. Cable television

The Dishwasher....
   Every pot, every pan, every piece of silverware, every bottle, every last dish has all been soaked, scrubbed and washed by hand. We have lived in a few places and none of them had a dishwasher! You would think that a dishwasher was standard for all humble abodes but not the case for Hotstuff and I. For some reason, we haven't had the pleasure of a proper kitchen, let alone the advantage of a dishwasher.
   Our current apartment is two bedroom, one bath, 700 square feet of squishyness for four people. But when your rent is $500 a month you don't complain... too loudly or too much, you are just simply grateful for the roof over your head hasn't sprung a leak just yet.  This apartment complex was built back in the 70's; back in the day before microwaves cost over $500 but according to Wikipedia, dishwashers were standard back then.
   So what happened to us?!?!?
   Who knows but I have no sympathy for any child whose chore it is to load or unload the dishwasher. They will never know how a pot, pan, plate or cup really gets cleaned or how much time it takes to make sure every angle of a dish is scrubbed or the best way to get your dishes cleaned. It has been so long that I don't know if I could even load a dishwasher properly anymore. For now, we scrub by hand every dish, every utensil, every pot and every glass. I am anxious for that day when I  know that I will have truly made it is the day there is a dishwasher in my very own proper kitchen.

Cable Television...
   As newlyweds, you typically don't have the funds to have cable or much anything else. Hotstuff and I have found that Bruce Springsteen had the right idea with his song: "57 Channels and Nothing On."  We never had the desire for cable television but we never lapsed on our monthly membership to Blockbuster. Growing up, my family lived outside of town and the only television you could get was cable. No bunny ears on the planet could ever harness enough power for signal for your basic stations. You would need your own satellite dish just to make the snow on television take some shape.
  My mother got basic cable and I never really found anything worth watching. I never found much difference between what I get now on my digital television that picks up 23 channels and cable television that gave me 230 channels. We have learned to get along without it until.... cable got some pretty awesome shows.
   Okay... let me back up a bit. We have been able to get along without cable until Netflix.
   Sorry, I have to back up just a little bit more before Netflix. HULU!!!!
   STOP! I am getting way ahead of myself so let me go back to the beginning with the VCR.
   In the beginning there was the VCR and the Black Market but that is a story for another blog. Then came the VCR and Miami Vice and my mother thought it to be grand. You see, my mother had a huge crush on Don Johnson and she NEVER missed an episode of Miami Vice (cue theme music, speed boats, flamingos, bad hair do's and pink shirts).  She would record the show and then go back and watch it at a later time. So taking a page from my mothers book, Hotstuff and I had a few shows that we enjoyed and would do the very same. Press record, turn off the TV and once everything was said and done we could go back at a later time and watch our programs fast forwarding through every commercial. Our VCR later died and were S.O.L.
   The great idea of a DVR and TiVo would be ideal for our needs but that involves getting cable which equals more money leaving our pockets. So instead, we turn to the Internet.  HULU, is fabulous but most of my favorite programs are not available until eight days after it has aired. Leaving me perpetually one week/episode behind for the season. Enter Netflix and one of the many reasons I love Fall! Around the time that a new season begins Netflix (on the Watch Instantly menu) updates the shows with the episodes from the previous season. Some shows I can watch quickly enough and get all caught up just in time for the season premier so that I can once again be one episode behind for the new season.
   Then cable television gets some pretty awesome shows. For instance, DEXTER. I love this show!!! It is one of the most brilliant shows on television. Scratch that- It is the MOST BRILLIANT SHOW on television. We like this show so much that Hotstuff dressed up as Dexter for Halloween last year. But alas, this brilliant show on Showtime can only be accessed by cable television. No such luck on waiting the next day to watch it on HULU or the Showtime website. Leaving us forever a season behind. I have a couple of other favorite shows on cable that I thoroughly enjoy: True Blood on HBO and Leverage on TNT.
   While everyone else finds out how Sookie Stackhouse dealt with her break up with Bill and Eric and if she will finally decided which vampire is the true love of her life (which better be Bill Compton because he just is!) and who is this mysterious "authority", I must wait to find out months later when the new season starts. Then someone told me the ending of the last season of Dexter and the suspense is KILLING ME!!!! Because I know and I was waiting for it to happen and I didn't think it would happen and I am shocked it happened but did it have to happen? and how did it happen?

So what do Dishwashers and Cable Television have to do with anything????

   They both happen to be standards in almost every home. Our standards and priorities have changed from twenty years ago, when cable was a luxury and not a necessity. Washing my dishes by hand doesn't bother me. Yes it is inconvenient and takes time. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would love to just load a dishwasher up, put the soap in, press a few buttons and walk away. All of that would save me (and my Hotstuff because he does the dishes too!) a lot of time, leaving us free to do more.
Not having cable doesn't bother me either. I have gotten used to being behind a season or a week in my favorite shows but I have ways of watching those shows so that I don't have to sit through commercials and I can watch them at my convenience. I am not bound to the time table that my television station dictate. By not having these simple bare neccesities, I have been able to let go and find more important things that give structure to my life- my family.
  
   In ten years time will we have cable? Probably not and that is okay but I damn well better have a dishwasher.

Beaten with a bag of nickels

I have Fibromyalgia.

It is a very painful condition that affects my entire body.

I first learned of this condition about 11 years ago from a friend of mine who has this same disease. She described the pain as if she had been "beaten with a bag of nickels." I wasn't able to comprehend the idea of her pain but the thought of being beaten with a bag of nickels did sound painful.

One night, when Miss May was a little over a year old, I came home from the gym after a good workout. I laid down on the couch because my legs were hurting. I chalked it up to my workout and maybe I just didn't stretch good enough. Two weeks later the pain hadn't gone away. It took over a year for the doctor to come to any conclusion: it was possibly Fibromyalgia or Sympathetic Neuromuscular Dystrophy. Because of insurance reasons, I was never able to rule out the MS but as the years have gone by all signs are pointing to Fibromyalgia.

I have lived with this disease for many years now and I have been blessed that I have been able to manage the pain. Through diet and exercise I have been able to keep going. I recently started to train for a half marathon in June of next year.

This last week has been hard. Harder than what it has been in a very long time. It really does feel like I have been beaten with a bag of nickels. I have been dealing with spasms in my neck and back. They way the muscles all connect I have pain in my chest muscles, making it hard to breath. Every sneeze, every cough, every deep breath brings a great deal of pain. The pain has been unbearable and for the first time in a long time, I cried. I haven't been able to manage any of the pain and have missed a lot of work.

I am grateful for this pain, though. As a dear friend once told me: "The pain reminds me that I am still alive."  Through all of this pain this week, I've found that I love my husband the most when I hurt the worst. I appreciate my children more and have been able to see them differently. I have been more patient with them. I have learned a great deal this week from the pain that I have been in. I have seen things I normally wouldn't have given a second thought to.

I feel like I have been beaten with a bag of nickels only to remind me that I am still alive.