I just celebrated my 29th birthday this year and I am beginning to feel like I know more about death... I mean losing a loved one than I should.
Just recently my dearest friend and kindred sister, LJ of whom I have know for 9 years BC (before children) just recently lost her husband to a tragic accident. AR was an incredible man, a great father, a hard worker and a prankster. He was at work, pulling weeds off the side of the road (and far enough off of the side of the road to be out of danger) when a woman hit him. She was doing close to 70 miles an hour when she hit him, killing him instantly. She then proceeded to drag his body 30 FEET before finally stopping (she refused a breathalyzer at the scene, was never arrested and has now fled the state!). AR was killed 10 days before his 32nd birthday. AR left behind his three kids E (7), S(3) and V(14 months). My dear friend is a widow at 28 and has severe MS.
Almost 8 years ago, I lost my mother. Hotstuff and I had only been married about a year and a half and I was 27 weeks pregnant with Miss May. My mother was 46 years old and just did not wake up one morning. That same week, my biological father put me in the hospital from assaulting both my sister and I- I ultimately missed my mother's viewing. My biological father was extremely abusive and that night in the hospital, I cut ties with him. In a matter of days I felt like I had become an orphan.
I have lost a lot of wonderful people in my life and every time have been able to lean on my faith in every instance of having lost a dear, cherished friend and loved one. Always.
At AR's viewing, I think I had all ready come to terms with his passing. I was able to lean on my faith again to help me and LJ through the weekend. I was able to hold it together to be a strength to my friend, until E ran outside and came back with some dandelions that she had picked. She then gently placed them in her daddy's hands and kissed him.
That is when I lost it.
After a few minutes, I was able to compose myself and make it through the rest of the viewing. When the viewing had ended, I took one of AR's brothers aside to talk to him about something and I broke down again.
I was okay that AR had passed away but what I really wanted, more than anything....
I wanted my friend to stop hurting. I didn't want her to hurt anymore.
After my mother passed away, Hotstuff handed me a book. It is called "A Grief Observed" by CS Lewis. It is Lewis's journal that he kept after his wife died. It is amazing and it is something I recommend to anyone who has lost someone they love. In the same spirit of CS Lewis, here is my "Grief Observed"
1. Death hurts and it hurts like hell. That pain never goes away but after a while it doesn't hurt as bad.
2. We will never get over our loss but we do get through them.
3. There is a cycle to grief: In the beginning you have bad days and good moments.... you slowly move to bad days, a good day, bad days.... then your good days will start to out weigh the bad days...then you will have good days and bad moments... finally you will have good months and a bad day/moment will show up.
4. You never quit missing them. Though my mother has been gone for almost 8 years, I have days where I just want to sit down and cry because I miss her... and all of that is normal.
5. Life goes on with or without you... and them. Keep going on with your life. Get up every morning, take a shower and do something productive. Keep moving! Keep going! Keep progressing! Yes, you will still hurt but that is okay. It is no gaurantee that you will immediatly feel "cured" but you will start to heal.
6. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Grief counseling is an incredible tool to help.
7. Traditions are incredible healing tool! Every year on the anniversary of my mothers passing, I take a mental health day. On this day, I take the day off. I have no kids, no husband, no nothing! I go and get my hair done, I go shopping, I go and have dinner with my aunt. I take the day to play! I spend the day doing what my mother would have wanted me to do. I celebrate my mother in my own special way. I suggested to LJ to make a tradition where she and the kids come to AR's grave on his birthday and have a picnic. That way they can talk about him and tell all the fun stories that AR had.
8. The first are always the hardest. The first holidays and celebrations are the hardest. They get easier but sometimes, 8 years later I still have a harder time with some holidays than the year before.
9. Just because the one you loved is gone doesn't mean that you deserve to be unhappy. You deserve every happiness in the world. Laugh and remember the good.
10. Lean on your faith, turn to your God. Even when it feels like it has failed you, it really hasn't. Even when you feel like God hates you... he really doesn't.
This is My Grief Observed.
