My Grief Observed

I just celebrated my 29th birthday this year and I am beginning to feel like I know more about death... I mean losing a loved one than I should.
Just recently my dearest friend and kindred sister, LJ of whom I have know for 9 years BC (before children) just recently lost her husband to a tragic accident. AR was an incredible man, a great father, a hard worker and a prankster. He was at work, pulling weeds off the side of the road (and far enough off of the side of the road to be out of danger) when a woman hit him. She was doing close to 70 miles an hour when she hit him, killing him instantly. She then proceeded to drag his body 30 FEET before finally stopping (she refused a breathalyzer at the scene, was never arrested and has now fled the state!). AR was killed 10 days before his 32nd birthday. AR left behind his three kids E (7), S(3) and V(14 months). My dear friend is a widow at 28 and has severe MS.
Almost 8 years ago, I lost my mother. Hotstuff and I had only been married about a year and a half and I was 27 weeks pregnant with Miss May. My mother was 46 years old and just did not wake up one morning. That same week, my biological father put me in the hospital from assaulting both my sister and I- I ultimately missed my mother's viewing. My biological father was extremely abusive and that night in the hospital, I cut ties with him. In a matter of days I felt like I had become an orphan.
I have lost a lot of wonderful people in my life and every time have been able to lean on my faith in every instance of having lost a dear, cherished friend and loved one. Always.
At AR's viewing, I think I had all ready come to terms with his passing. I was able to lean on my faith again to help me and LJ through the weekend. I was able to hold it together to be a strength to my friend, until E ran outside and came back with some dandelions that she had picked. She then gently placed them in her daddy's hands and kissed him.

That is when I lost it.

After a few minutes, I was able to compose myself and make it through the rest of the viewing. When the viewing had ended, I took one of AR's brothers aside to talk to him about something and I broke down again.

I was okay that AR had passed away but what I really wanted, more than anything....

I wanted my friend to stop hurting. I didn't want her to hurt anymore.

After my mother passed away, Hotstuff handed me a book. It is called "A Grief Observed" by CS Lewis. It is Lewis's journal that he kept after his wife died. It is amazing and it is something I recommend to anyone who has lost someone they love. In the same spirit of CS Lewis, here is my "Grief Observed"

1. Death hurts and it hurts like hell. That pain never goes away but after a while it doesn't hurt as bad.

2. We will never get over our loss but we do get through them.

3. There is a cycle to grief: In the beginning you have bad days and good moments.... you slowly move to bad days, a good day, bad days.... then your good days will start to out weigh the bad days...then you will have good days and bad moments... finally you will have good months and a bad day/moment will show up.

4. You never quit missing them. Though my mother has been gone for almost 8 years, I have days where I just want to sit down and cry because I miss her... and all of that is normal.

5. Life goes on with or without you... and them. Keep going on with your life. Get up every morning, take a shower and do something productive. Keep moving! Keep going! Keep progressing! Yes, you will still hurt but that is okay. It is no gaurantee that you will immediatly feel "cured" but you will start to heal.

6. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Grief counseling is an incredible tool to help.

7. Traditions are incredible healing tool! Every year on the anniversary of my mothers passing, I take a mental health day. On this day, I take the day off. I have no kids, no husband, no nothing! I go and get my hair done, I go shopping, I go and have dinner with my aunt. I take the day to play! I spend the day doing what my mother would have wanted me to do. I celebrate my mother in my own special way. I suggested to LJ to make a tradition where she and the kids come to AR's grave on his birthday and have a picnic. That way they can talk about him and tell all the fun stories that AR had.

8. The first are always the hardest. The first holidays and celebrations are the hardest. They get easier but sometimes, 8 years later I still have a harder time with some holidays than the year before.

9. Just because the one you loved is gone doesn't mean that you deserve to be unhappy. You deserve every happiness in the world. Laugh and remember the good.

10. Lean on your faith, turn to your God. Even when it feels like it has failed you, it really hasn't. Even when you feel like God hates you... he really doesn't.

This is My Grief Observed.

Thoughts from the Pot

My mother taught me to share but there are certain things in life that one shouldn't share.

Like the flu... or and an STD.

I (heart)...

I started this blog to share with all of you those wonderful and fabulous things in my life that I really couldn't share on my family blog. (can you tell how fabulous and wonderful my life is?!?) So today, I am going to share with you just a smackeral of Honey.

I heart... Baseball

Yes, I love Baseball!! It is my most favorite sport and my favorite team is the Oakland A's. I saw my first major league ball game when I was 9 years old. My grandmother took me to see the Oakland A's play against the Minnesota Twins at O.co Coliseum. I got to see Jose Conseco, Mark McGwire and Walt Weiss play.

I heart.... Rudolph Valentino

How can you not love this man??? or this man???

Harry Connick Jr.! (or as Hotstuff calls him "my boyfriend") I heart Harry too!

I remember learning about Rudolph Valentino in school. I remembered the photos of the throngs of women mourning the loss of thier Latin Lover. So one day I found Valentino's signature film The Sheik and decided to see what the fuss was all about. It was the first silent film I had ever watched and I loved it! It is hard to tell someone why I love Rudolph Valentino unless they watch one of his movies themselves. My most favorite Valentino movie is Beyond the Rocks. Sadly enough, I probably would have probably been one of those women lining the streets, dressed in black and sobbing at the loss of my beloved Rudy.

I heart... Harry Connick Jr.

He can sing, dance and act. The fact that he is incredibly yummy doesn't hurt. He paved the way for Michael Buble and kept the sound of Jazz alive. My favorite song by him is Between Us. He is also a hero for many in New Orleans for the work he has done to help save lives and rebuild his hometown.

I Heart Cars...

Yes! I will admit it that I am a car freak. One of my favorite movies of all time is Gone in 60 Seconds. I love Transformers, not for the the Transformers but for the cars! During the opening scene of Quantum of Solace, I swear on all that is good, I cried as Daniel Craig destroyed his Astin Martin.

What can I say.... I am a car freak!

I heart... Starbucks

I grew up in the Great Northwest where coffee is a staple. I have made the trip to Mecca and have visited the very first Starbucks in Seattles Pike Place Market twice now.

I heart... Shoes

I love shoes! I am not sure how many pairs of shoes I own. I lost count after 32 pairs from the last time I counted my shoes and that was a few months ago. I have since gained a few more pairs of shoes. Oddily enough, I love going barefoot in the summer. Why do I heart shoes? The answer is simple enough... there is a reason and a party for every pair and you don't ever need a reason to party.

Reading is FUndamental

With my pathetic total of a whole 5 books read last year, I decided to challenge myself this year. I love to read and when I start there is no stopping. So I have set my goal to read 40 books this year. So far, I have read 19! *almost 1/2 way there and am currently reading another book right now.

For Mother's Day, Hotstuff and the kids got me a Kindle and I love it!!!!!!! It is light weight, I don't have to change out my purse constantly to fit my book and features on it are great. I resisted to the idea of an electronic device that contained books at first. I honestly afraid to get one because I thought I would be losing so much. One of my most favorite smells in the whole world is the smell of a new book. You know that smell! the smell of paper and the further toward the spine the more potent the smell is. My Kindle will never have that smell. I was afraid that I would not be able to lose my self in my electronic screen the way I do on paper.

Finally, one night I was lying in bed reading. I had just finished another book and was ready to start on another. I hate the awkardness that comes when trying to hold your book and lie comfortably in bed. I gave in and pulled out my Kindle, loaded my book and read so much more comfortably in bed. Yes, I lost a bit with my kindle; the paper, the smell but I was still able to get lost in the words and pages of the story.

In the many books that I have read so far, here are my six favorites.


Yellow Star by Jennifer Roy
I took Miss May to the library and found this book in the Jr. section of the library. I picked it up and thumbed through and noticed that is was written in poetic form. I checked it out and took it home.
It is the true story of Syvia. A jewish girl during World War II. In 1940, at the age of 4 1/2 she and her family are sent to live in the ghetto of Lodz, Poland. In the begining, 270,000 Jews were banished to this ghetto. In 1945, the Jews were freed from the ghetto and only 800 remained; 12 of them were children.
My heart ached reading this story. This young girl was hidden from the Nazis as they rounded up the Jewish children and took them to the concentration camps to be killed. I loved that the story was written in poetry form. I spoke volumes more... I felt as if I was there with this girl, in the ghetto, in the hole, in the cellar, in the warehouse. She had to learn to be still, to be brave and to trust her family.
My favorite quote from this whole book comes from something her father said to her. "We must honor our differences while we find our own and our own strength the best we know how."


The Book Theif by Markus Zusak

I was told about this book by my boss and was intrigued. A year later, I found this book at the library and checked it out. The story is about a young german orphan named Liesle. In the very begining she is sent to live with a foster family. The story takes place during World War II. Liesle cannot read when she arrives but her foster papa teaches her everynight. Through everything that Liesl and her family experience, Liesl finds strength in the words that she learns.
What sucked me into this story, is that it is not told from the point of view of Liesl, but it is Death himself telling the story. He recounts the images of Liesl and those around her.
Death makes the comment: "500 souls. I carried them on my fingers.... It was only the children I carried in my arms."
I loved how Death told Liesl's story! In the end I cried like a baby but I love this book. This is a must read!!!



Abadon by Meg Cabot
I have found a love for YA novels. I don' t have to put my brain filters on and I can enjoy more. The problem is..... I feel like I am reading the same story over and over and over again. You know the one.... Boy meets girl, girl has a insane attraction to him.... boy is some weird freak... boy saves girl and boy and girl fall in love. (Sorry, I just totally gave away the story of Twilight). So I jumped onto Goodreads.com and joined their fabulous site. I came across this book and was intrigued and thougt to give it a try before I completely give up on the YA all together.
I LOVED IT!!!!!!! Meg Cabot is an incredible writer. I have seen many of her books before and never was interested in them. This is a boy meets girl... boy is some weird freak... but girl isn't falling in love. The base of this story comes from my favorite Greek Myth. If I tell you which one then that will ruin it for you. The way Meg Cabot writes, I found myself having to pay better attention to the things happening in the story because the main character Pierce, would have flashbacks and many times they would happen too quickly. Great story, great writing and I want more!!! PLEASE WRITE FASTER MISS CABOT!!


The Hunger Games Trilogy By Suzanne Collins

I devoured this series! The great thing about showing up late to the dance is that you don't have to wait for the next book. The story is set in Panem (North America) in the distant future. The people of the Panem are divided into 12 districts and in order for each district to have enough supplies and food for the year, each district is to provide on girl and one boy for the Hunger Games. These 24 children, ages 12-17, are thrown into an arena for all to see. Cameras and microphones are everywhere, everything is recorded and nothing is sacred. The end goal is to be the only one left alive, these children are sent to fight to the death. As morbid and horrible as it sounds, there is still innocence. I got to the end of the books hated it! I was so mad at the way it ended. I put it away and the next morning woke up realizing that the end was what I loved about it. It was real.
The stories are written in first person as the story is happening.
The first book is being made into movie right now. Can't say that I am super excited about it because I am more nervous than anything. No matter what, the books will always be better than the movie.

There they are my 6 favorites so far this year.... still looking for more books to make my goal. What are your favorites?? any other great books to read???

Something wicked this way comes and there's an App for that

Check out these photos I was sent the other day!

Pretty cool huh! These were taken at the hospital that I work at. One of the nurses sisters took the photo and it was sent to me by one of my coworkers.

It's a FAKE!!!!

Yep! Sadly enough, there is an app for that!

For the last week it has been passed around to some of us at the hospital. I really did think that is was real at first. Why? Well, I work at a hospital first of all. There are a lot of souls coming in and a lot souls going out. In the fall, one of my coworkers told me about her brother in law who is a security guard at the same hospital. He had relayed to her an experience where he saw a little girl in a long dress walking the halls late one night. He has chased after her because he thought she was lost. He lost her and couldn't find where she went. He and the other security guards looked on the video tape to see if they could find where she disappeared off to and all they saw was him walking the halls talking to himself.

One of the other nurses I worked with told me that when she worked on the transitional care unit she had had patients that would talk about a little girl dressed in long white dress within a couple of days before that had passed away.

Personally, I have seen spirits in the hospital and have had my own personal encounters with them.

So I posted the picture on facebook on the wall of Ghost Adventures Show and asked them to debunk it. They didn't but about 24 hours after I posted it, it was debunked by a fan of the show. Apple/GDE Films, LLC has created an app that you can add ghosts to your pictures. One commenter went on a rant because this same little girl has been used over and over again many times in other photos. Now that I know it is a fake, I want some one to tell me what how it was created to be a fake.

I once read the statement: Have you ever noticed now that everyone has a home video camera there are no more UFO sightings?

My deepest apologies to all that were fooled by this picture.

My Valentine

My funny Valentine,

Hello, is it me your lookin for? 'Cause I can see it in your eyes. So let me start by saying, I love you. Have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you how much I really care? Because you fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness. Ease my troubles, that is what you do.

On this Valentines Day, I've just called to say that I love you. I've just called to say how much I care and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I've been really trying baby, trying to hold back this feeling for so long. So if you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on baby, let me know. Because you're one still the one! You're still the one makes me laugh- we're still having fun and you're still the one. Still the one that I love, the only one I dream of.

But when we're apart my sweet Valentine, don't worry. Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you. Oh, can't you see Valentine, you belong to me.

So on this Valetines Day, don't go changin. Just to try to please me because you have never let me down before. I love you just the way you are. Because you are the wind beneath my wings.

I'm Forever yours......Faithfully

I (heart) Books

I love to read! I love Books! I read an average of 30 books a year. I know that is not much by some standards but for this mother of two who also works full time 30 is a lot. I learned to read and write at the age of 3 and haven't stopped. Sadly, I only read 5 books last year.

I know! I am disappointed in myself, I have no excuse and I have resolved to do better. This year, I have already read my first book and am working on my second as we speak. I am a little behind on my reading but I will be catching up soon.

Even though I have only read 5 books last year, I enjoyed every one. So here they are (in no particular order) Honey's 5 books from 2010!

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner, By Stephenie Meyers-

Grade: B+

I love the the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyers!! So of course I had to buy The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. Plus a $1 donation was made to the American Red Cross for each book sold. BONUS!!

This is a short novella that is apart of the Twilight Series by Meyers. Meyers has a way of sucking people into her stories (no pun intended). She is an extremely anti-climatic writer and carries that flawlessly through this story. The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner is told from the point of view from a newborn vampire. Reading the first part of the novel, I didn't feel like I was reading another Twilight novel; until I got the end, when the story of Bree collides with the third book in the series, Eclipse. This is where I felt Bree ended and I was reading another Twilight novel. It is a quick read and I recommend this novella. Warning: If you haven't read any other of the Twilight books you will be lost.

The Millennium Series by Steig Larrson

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest

Grade A+

This series first caught my attention while I was shopping at Costco one day. Upon the stacks of thousands of books laid out before me, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest was what caught my attention. It was a brand new book and it's silver jacket was loud. I picked up the book and haphazardly looked through. I didn't give much more thought to any of it but I kept seeing the series everywhere. How could you not with a cover as bright and loud as those? Curiosity got the better of me one night when I discovered that The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was on the instant play on Netflix. It was the Swedish version and I am not one to snub a foreign film too quickly. I loved the movie and decided to read the books.

A few weeks later I was in the Portland Airport waiting for my flight home. I strolled the kiosks and found an inexpensive copy of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I won't lie, I found the first 60ish pages hard to get through, then I hit a point in the story where I couldn't put the book down. I had the book finished within the week.

I ran out immediatly and purchased The Girl Who Played with Fire. I read it in 6 hours on a Sunday. The next day I purchased Hornets Nest; but due to my busy schedual, I only had my half hour lunch break to read and finished reading in about two weeks.

Larrson has a fourth book in the series but due to his death, it was never finished. Rumor has it though that a college of Larrsons could finish the book but the world isn't holding their breath.

Larrson created one of the most brilliant characters ever, Lisbeth Salander. She is enigmatic, brilliant and empowering. She was made a victim and Lisbeth refuses to be that victim. Mikael Blomkvist is a journalist who enlist Lisbeths help to solve a mystery. Mikael character is one that if I am ever accused of murder, I want this man on my defense team.

Larrson is an amazing author! He created characters that draw you in; a story line where you want more and you want to keep reading. The story is great, the characters unforgettable and a series you will want to read over and over again.

(Warning: The foul language is minimal in all three books; the sexual content, though brief, does get graphic.)

Rough Country by John Sanford

Grade B

I picked up a copy of Rough Country while waiting for a flight to Seattle. I knew that I wouldn't ever fill my quota of books to read for the year but was looking for something to read. I was in the mood for a good mystery thriller but didn't know what I wanted to read. I had seen John Sanfords name before and thought I would give him a try.

Rough Country is a Virgil Flowers Novel that is a really good mystery novel but I didn't find myself wanting to keep reading for the story line, I wanted to keep reading because of Virgil Flowers. Sanford created a great series character. Sanford writes Flowers as if the reader had never met Flowers but you still know everything about him. I found the book to be more character driven than story line driven. But I walked away wanting to read more novels by Sanford and solve a few more mysteries with Virgil Flowers.

It is a good travel book and I found it was enjoyable and recommend it to anyone.

Monkeys+ PBS = laughter and learning!

How can you not love these faces??

We love PBS at our house! Who needs cable when you have such great show such as Nature?? Tonight on PBS, they were showing Nature: Clever Monkeys. Of course, it is Super Bowl Sunday (and growing up Super Bowl was religion in our home, it is a sacred Sunday) but during commercial I quickly flipped through the channels to see what was on. I came upon PBS and upon my TV were the faces of Monkeys. My kids joined me to see these fabulous creatures and began to laugh! Anything that is going to get my kids laugh and teach them is well worth watching.

So check it out on PBS.org!

A Tribute to Martin Luther King

For my Hero,
Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty! We Are FREE at last!

"Boob Job! Ya have one?"

I have decided I need to boob job. Plain and simple.

"Why?" you might ask. Truth be told, I need a way out of a speeding ticket.

"WHAAAAAAT!" you might exclaim. Yes, in all my cuteness and honesty I have never gotten a warning for speeding. Just the ticket.

Yes, I see that puzzled look on your face. To be fair, yes I was speeding but I didn't realize that I was.

You're still confused.

Last week, I was on my way to an evening appointment. I noticed the traffic was heavy so I decided to take the back road and avoid any delays. Heading west, I started down the back road where the speed limit is 35 mph. About two miles down the road there is a major 4 way stop and less than a mile after that there is a light. After the light, the speed limit turns to 25 mph... or so I thought.

Heading west down the back road, I crossed through the four way stop and headed towards the light. Thinking the speed limit was 35, I drove towards my appointment. I had no intentions on speeding- I just drove to my appointment and with a lot on my mind I was doing about 38 mph.

Ahead of me I noticed a car, faced in the opposite direction, turn it's light and engine on. I slowed down below 35. I had no way of knowing what the driver of the car's intentions were and I had already been in one accident this month, I really wasn't in the mood for another. There was barely enough space for the car to flip around into my lane and pull infront of me and this is one of those back roads where that happens quite frequently. As I passed the car I realized it was a police officer and he then flipped around into my lane behind me! No lights flashed or any other notions from him to pull over or that I was going to be pulled over at all. He followed me to the light.

I pulled up to the red light and waited. I noticed just after the light there was a sign posting the speed limit of 25 mph. The light turned green and I proceeded through the intersection. With the police officer still following (this is one of those"am I really in trouble? because I think my father just got home!" moments) I obeyed the 25 mph speed limit and just as I passsed the sign; his light flash and I was pulled over. Mind you, I was obeying the speed limit when he pulled me over!

Then there was the usual: "License and registration, please. Oh, and did you know that you were doing 13 over the speed limit!"

I thought: I could cry! No.... I really can't cry on demand and I wasn't wearing any waterproof mascara.

What else I could do??? hmmm.... well, showing cleavage was totally out of the question. Because I don't have any! That's why!Even with my fantastic bra from Fredericks of Hollywood (amazing bras by the way!!) I still don't have anything to entice any male other than my Hotstuff. Besides that, it was way to cold to be taking off anything.

At this point, I have no other secret weapons (well, that are moral and legal) to get out of this so I might as well be honest.

The police officer explained to me that I was speeding. I apologized and explained that I did not realize that the section of road that I was just on was 25mph. I thought it was 35 until after you go through the light.

"Sorry, no," he said. "About 1500 feet from the stop sign there is a posting for 25 miles per hour." Later, when I told a few friends and Hotstuff about what happened, they did not even know that the speed limit was 25. All of them thought the same as I did, it was 35 until you get to the light and 25 after the light. I had driven a good half a mile doing 13 over the limit.

The office took my information and went back to his vehicle. I sent a text to my appointment letting them know I would be late. I patiently waited for the officer to return. Ten minutes later he finally comes back.

"Well, I am willing to work with you. This road is dark and we have a lot of people who ride their bikes and walk down the road. So instead of writing that you were doing 13 over, I am only going to put that you were doing 5 over."

WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The first time that my best friend got pulled over, she blubbered like a baby. The officer gave her a warning. She was doing 45 in a 25 mph school zone. My friend C, just recently got pulled over for doing 17 over in a construction zone, she didn't have her license and she was driving her boyfriends car. She got off with a WARNING!!! (No offense C- just using you as an example.)

Willing to work with me means, giving me a warning not a damn ticket! I kept my mouth shut and nodded politely because I knew that if I opened my mouth the next words out of them would be: " Looks like somebodys got a quota to fill!"

Besides that who in their right mind would even go down that back road?? It's Decemeber for crying out loud!

I quietly took my ticket and was told I could go. My mother raised me to be honest and I was. She also raised me that there are consequences to every action. I have been having a hard time understanding that anytime I have been pulled over, I have been honest and did not try to get out of it and I still end up getting a ticket. Honesty might be the best policy but I have decided that's not getting me very far.

This is where the boob job comes in. I figure with a "fuller figure" and some honesty it just might get a whole lot farther. Or at least a Warning.